Choice to listen and decide to be.

you know how life works in two motions; up and down. and to me, the way to deal with those is simply acceptance. and it is not easy, most certainly not especially in reference to experiencing the lowness of life. and i try to take comfort in the genuineness of the situation which is that the lowness of life might not be something that we like yet it's good for us. i am referring to Allah's words to us and we should think that that suffices.

dan boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah Yang mengetahui (semuanya itu), sedang kamu tidak mengetahuinya. (2:216)

but.

this heart is weak. this self is not the most righteous. this mind is feeble. i am pretty upset with myself recently. each day i discover that i was withering away from what i was trying to build myself to become.. and i kept telling myself to act fast before i could no longer realize. my attachment to this world will be the death of me if i don't continue to fight it... syaitan has failed to make us submit ourselves to berhala or any other object that seems incredibly ridiculous to refer to as powerful.. but syaitan can easily, and already has and doing so indeed at this right moment, influence us to love this world more than anything and that is poisonous. and i have difficulty in differentiating syaitan's voice with my own.. never there a time we want to live a day that we find no difference between the two :S nauzubillah.

astaghfirullahalazim. astaghfirullahalazim. astaghfirullahalazim.

what holds me together today is my faith. i would crumble down to useless pieces without it. to acknowledge that Allah is always there for me carries me through whatever. i am worthless without my submission to my creator... i need not understand why life has taken me to several different routes that i might have not liked myself to cross; but i do not know what is best for me as Allah does. i made bad choices and for sure, i will again. all that comforts me is that Allah knows me better than i know myself, He's closer to me than I am to my own self and mainly, He intends nothing bad for me, ever..

Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menzalimi manusia sedikit pun, tetapi manusia itulah yang menzalimi dirinya sendiri. (10:44)

Ya Allah.. give me strength to not be deceived by syaitan.. give me Your guidance so i shall not falter towards the wrongest path.. grant me Your blessings in whatever i do in life. and i pray that You bless me with patience.

Tuhan. hadiahkanlah kasihMu kepadaku. kurniakanlah rinduku kepadaMu. mudahan syukurku adalah milikMu.

a pure soul untouched by the devil.

what is the sweetest thing a human being has done for you? what is the most generous thing a human being has done for you? what is the most amazing thing a human being done for you?

well. whatever you have to answer. i'm most certain that it will not exceed the magnitude of what this human being has done for you, me and just about every other one.

in the last few moments of his life....

Suddenly there was a person who said salaam. "May I come in?" he asked.

But Fatimah did not allow him to enter the room. "I'm sorry, my father is ill," said Fatimah, and turned back and closed the door. She went back to Prophet Muhammad sallalahu alaihi wasalam and he opened his eyes and asked, "Who was he, my daughter?"

"I dont know my father. It's the first time I'm seeing him," Fatimah said gently.

"Know one thing...! He is the one who erases the temporary pleasure; he is who separates the companionship in the world. He is the Angel of Death," said Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam. Fatimah bore the bomb of her cry. The death angel came towards Him, but Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked by Jibrail did not come along with him. Then Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam looked at his daughter with a trembled look, as if he wanted to reminisce about every part of his daugther's face. Then, Jibrail was called. Jibrail was ready int he sky to welcome the soul of Rasulullah and the leader of the Earth. "O Jibrail, explain to me about my rights in front of Allah? (subhana watalah), Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked with a very weak voice.

"The doors of the sky have opened; the angels are waiting for your soul. All Jannats are open widely waiting for you" Jibrail said. But, in fact, all that did not make Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam relieved. His eyes were still full of worry. "You are not happy to hear this news?" asked Jibrail.

"Tell me about the destiny of My People in the future?" said Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam

"Don't worry, O' Rasulullah. I heard Allah (subhana wataala) told me: "I make Jannat haram for everyone, except the people of Muhammad," Jibrail said. The time for Malaekat Izrail to do his work became closer and closer. Slowly, Rasulullah's sallalahu alaihi wasalam soul was pulled. It seems that the body of Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam was full of sweat; the nerves of his neck became tight.

"Jibrail, how painful this is!" Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam slowly uttered with a groan. Fatimah closed her eyes, Ali sat beside her bow deeply and Jibrail turned his face back. "Am I repugnant to you that you turn your face back O Jibrail?" Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam asked.

"Who is the one who could see Habibullah in His sakartul maut," Jibrail said.

"Not for a while," then Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam uttered a groan because of unbearable pain. "O Allah (subhana watala) how great is this sakartul maut. Give me all these pains, but DON'T to MY PEOPLE." The body of Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam became cold, his feet and chest did not move anymore. With tears in eyes, His lips vibrated as if he wanted to say something. Ali took his ear close to Rasulullah sallalahu alaihi wasalam, "Uushiikumbis salahti, wa maa malakat aimanuku" "Take care of the salat and take care of the weak people among you." Outside the room, there were cries, each one shouting, Sahaba holding each other. Fatimah closed her face with her hands. Again, Ali took his ear close to Rasulullah's sallalahu alaihi wasalam and with this mouth which became bluish, and TEARS IN HIS EYES, he uttered: "Ummatii Ummatii, Ummatii" " My People, My People, My People"

:') :'( :'| Masyallah. such love and compassion he had for us. it's unspeakable.

you know.. the love that we are surrounded with in our lives, with our parents, siblings, grandparents, friends, significant others, etc are different to the love Muhammad has for his ummah. this love is not borne out of physical attraction or interaction or family values or friendship. he loves us despite of having never met us,or known us, before our own existence. this is a love that needs not make sense, yet still powerful. you know, he would sacrifice for you. Masyallah, he already had. the heart of Muhammad is the purest of all, one that is coveted yet not possible for others.

it's highly negligent on our part not to acknowledge what love he has for us. instead we throw our devotion and admiration to people who can sing or act or are extremely good looking or whatever else they are idolized for.. i don't want to demean you for liking people who can sing/act/dance/good looking etc, etc, because surely i did/do it too. But I guess what I'm trying to say is.. what about Muhammad? I mean personally I learnt of him in ugama school and you know basically growing up in Brunei as a Muslim country, knowing that Nabi Muhammad was our last prophet and so on. But it just stopped there you know.. I never really dug up what it was about this man that was so incredibly special to his companions once upon a time.. he was a good person, surely he was, he was the prophet, he was chosen by Allah ofcourse he was a good person. but that's not enough to know. to love him, we need to dig deeper about his life and his character and his sunnah. and just to take one example that sort of illustrates all the goodness that was present in him was the above text. on his death bed. his last few breaths. in the state of utmost and unbearable pain that we cannot fathom, he thought of us. and do we think of him enough is the question, or at all? and surely, to profess love for Muhammad S.A.W. does not come in the form of three lettered words. instead they should be evident in our attitudes. one of the most important duties as a practising Muslim is that we follow the sunnah of Rasulallah S.A.W. mencintai Rasulallah S.A.W. is a huuuuuge part of our iman.. it's a huuuuuuge part in fulfilling our obedience to Allah S.W.T. Insyallah.. one of the many things we should keep asking for from Allah is not everything that glitters or so on.. instead.. we should keep asking for love for Muhammad even if just a dot of how he loves his ummah.

Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, “He who holds firm to my Sunnah when corruption is rampant in my Ummah will attain the reward of a hundred martyrs.” (al-Bayhaqi fi Zuhd; Hidaayatur ruwaat vol.1 pg.136 Hadith174)

Sayyiduna Anas [radhiallaahu anhu] reports that Rasulullah [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] advised, “Whoever cherishes my Sunnah, indeed he cherishes me and whoever loves me will be with me in Jannah.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi Hadith2678; Ibid)

WOW? WOW! the thought.. of being with Rasulallah S.A.W. in Jannah.. Masyallah.. adakah kami mampu memiliki iman sebegitu tinggi? wallahu'alam.

again, the above bolded example is just one of the many infinite astounding testaments to his character. his contributions to Islam is just.. my, oh my, incredibly mega.. and to think that we are all part of his legacy just.. is a completely mesmerizing sentiment. Masyallah. the only problem regarding it is how much do we really live up to such a tremendous legacy as left by Rasulallah S.A.W? sigh..

and i feel this is a burning revelation that i should include here just to expose more of the love he felt for his ummah.. and my cousin gave me this link, who also told me this story:

Tanya Rasulullah s.a.w.: "Siapakah penduduk masing-masing pintu?"

Jawab Jibrail: "Pintu yg terbawah untuk orang-orang munafik, dan orang-orang yg kafir setelah diturunkan hidangan mukjizat nabi Isa a.s. serta keluarga Fir'aun sedang namanya Al-Hawiyah. Pintu kedua tempat orang-orang musyrikin bernama Jahim, Pintu ketiga tempat orang shobi'in bernama Saqar. Pintu ke empat tempat Iblis dan pengikutnya dari kaum majusi bernama Ladha, Pintu kelima orang yahudi bernama Huthomah. Pintu ke enam tempat orang nasara bernama Sa'eir." Kemudian Jibrail diam segan pada

Rasulullah s.a.w. sehingga ditanya: "Mengapa tidak kau terangkan penduduk pintu ke tujuh?" Jawabnya: "Di dalamnya orang-orang yg berdosa besar dari ummatmu yg sampai mati belum sempat bertaubat." Maka nabi s.a.w. jatuh pengsan ketika mendengar keterangan itu, sehingga Jibrail meletakkan kepala nabi s.a.w. di pangkuannya sehingga sadar kembali dan sesudah sadar nabi saw bersabda: "Ya Jibrail, sungguh besar kerisauanku dan sangat sedihku, apakah ada seorang dari ummat ku yang akan masuk ke dalam neraka?"

Jawabnya: "Ya, iaitu orang yg berdosa besar dari ummatmu." Kemudian nabi s.a.w. menangis, Jibrail juga menangis, kemudian nabi s.a.w. masuk ke dalam rumahnya dan tidak keluar kecuali untuk sembahyang kemudian kembali dan tidak berbicara dengan orang dan bila sembahyang selalu menangis dan minta kepada Allah.

...................... iblis on a lower level than umat Muhammad in the Hellfire? i remember i was shocked upon hearing this.. there is nothing/noone that/who is the dirtiest, unworthy, sickest, and other words in association to those, than iblis! but astaghfirullah, we cannot question Allah S.W.T. we cannot really be shocked at this though you know.. pasal.. kira, we already know.. we already know what Allah asks us to do and not to do, what to approach and what to stay away from, etc.. yet we still act as if His words aren't real, Astaghfirullah. Ampunkanlah hamba-hambaMu yang lemah ini, Allah.. kira, islam atu sampai sudah wah arah ketani, and then we have the audacity to neglect it? Nazubillah. Wallahu'alam.

Al-Quran Surah Al- Baqarah Ayat 159 Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang menyembunyikan apa yang telah Kami turunkan dari keterangan-keterangan dan petunjuk hidayat, sesudah Kami terangkannya kepada manusia di dalam Kitab Suci, mereka itu dilaknat oleh Allah dan dilaknat oleh sekalian makhluk.

but yeah, observe how Rasulallah S.A.W. reacted... how precious were his tears? how did he have the capacity, the heart, the energy to be so concerned about us? can you just imagine the prayers he recited to Allah on our behalf.. the sacrifices he was willing to make in order to prevent us from stepping into the Hellfire? Masyallah. His strength is completely out of this world's league, incredibly mind-blowing and incomprehensible; something that our human mind cannot process - the might and power of Allah Azza Wajalla. ya Allah.. Rasulallah S.A.W. is our leader, and I say is, because despite his demise in this world, his legacy remains within the Muslimins and Muslimahs and most importantly this man is undoubtedly irreplaceable, no greater man will come and lead us like he had and his mark has been placed that will forever not fade. i mean it's amazing because his leadership did not die with him; Allah has left his leadership as to help humankind to the most righteous path, Insyallah, Amin.

and a reminder here, whenever we come across his name or just the mere mention or whatever, the thoughts etc.. baca selawat ke atas Nabi.. kerana kalau kami tidak acknowledge just the mere mention of him.. malaikat akan mengutuk kita.. that thought is completely disgraceful so Insyallah we will always have the heart and tongue to express selawat ke atas Nabi bila-bila saja and especially bila saja kami dengar atau baca, etc, nama Muhammad S.A.W. Insyallah.

Most significantly, Rasulallah S.A.W. represents a far greater power, everything that he is/was comes/came from none other than Allah S.W.T. Muhammad S.A.W. is His creation and so further proves how amazing and almighty Allah is.. Masyallah..

and here before i end this note, ofcourse speaking to myself before anyone else. and i apologize for any errors i might have incurred.

remember him. remember his immense goodness. remember his strength. remember his hardships. remember his sacrifices. remember his prophecy.

:')

Sesungguhnya.

Sebenarnya.. hati ini.. cinta.. kepadaMu..

Sebenarnya.. diri ini.. rindu.. kepadaMu..

tapi aku.. tidak mengerti.. mengapa cinta masih tak hadir

tapi aku.. tidak mengerti.. mengapa rindu.. belum berbunga..

Tuhan.. hadiahkanlah.. kasihMu.. kepadaku..

Tuhan..kurniakanlah.. rinduku.. kepadaMu..

moga kutahu syukurku adalah milikMu..

:')

remember this when writing an essay?

We tend to forget this when writing an essay. I know this may have been said before and this is just a reminder. But this totally freaking rocks. I might just love my World Politics lecturer.

Do not worry in the slightest about whether or
not we share your views, politics or
conclusions: all we care about is
knowing what you think
, we are fully professional enough to set
aside our own views. We are NOT
looking for particular answers to anything.

:) Oh btw this ofcourse only applies to politics essays. Because economics don't care for your personal opinion!

gifts.

as i was walking today, i looked down.. and i saw my feet. and i was hit by the obvious fact that my legs and feet bring me anywhere i wish to go. and at that moment, it felt like a gift. the thought of how some people might not share the same gift made me feel even more grateful. and then my thought goes to how Allah has made me able to walk and it makes me feel blessed. and then i looked up and started to consume the surroundings i was in. He also gave me sight. It's wonderful because not only i could see the world interacting in front of me, more significantly the eyes witness all creations of Allah. i think we forget that. that Allah granted us sight for a reason. and if we really used our eyes according to how we are meant to, we will see the signs of His greatness. and that is another gift on its own. if you could just take the time to sit down and get a piece of paper and write down all the gifts Allah has given you to date... you will not have such infinite time... and more astoundingly, we don't even recognize some of the gifts that we receive from Allah. our minds are much too small to be able to cope with Allah's might. but seek Him and He shall grant us with answers to questions we didn't know we asked, Insyallah.

"dan aku mengikuti agama nenek moyangku Ibrahim, Ishak dan Yakub. Tidak pantas bagi kami (para nabi) mempersekutukan sesuatu apa pun dengan Allah. Itu adalah dari kurnia Allah kepada kami dan kepada manusia (semuanya); tetapi kebanyakan manusia tidak bersyukur." - Ayat 38, Surah Yusuf.

aku tidak mau termasuk dalam kebanyakan manusia.

sigh.

mind is a bit cluttered right now. there are so many things in my head yet there is nothing at the same time. it is one of those great ironies. but really... feeling inspired but doing nothing to validate that inspiration. it just feels stagnant and moving backwards simultaneously. things are going by quickly yet concurrently slow.

how do i press play.

oh come on, hazeerah. grow up. like grow the real up. oh well.

Bismillah it shall start with.

do not snooze your alarm.

(before i start, i thank my brother who drew my attention to this issue. Jazakallahu Khayran. pardon my ignorance since how long ago this has been going on :S)

dear brothers and sisters,

our muslim fellows in Palestine are suffering. so much so at this point the Israelis denied them water. to the extent that they're not allowed to collect rainwater. they're stealing their water because they don't have enough. wow big stomp on weak and inferior much? do you feel that cruelty? astaghfirullah. they are denied of natural resources.. what is left?

Here are some significant facts we need to know about this situation:

1. Israel often sells the water it steals from the West Bank back to the Palestinians at inflated prices.

2. Three million West Bank Palestinians use only 250 million cubic meters per year (83 cubic meters per Palestinian per year) while six million Israelis enjoy the use of 1,954 million cubic meters (333 cubic meters per Israeli per year), which means that each Israeli consumes as much water as four Palestinians. Israeli settlers are allocated 1,450 cubic meters of water per person per year.

3. Israel does not allow new wells to be drilled by Palestinians and has confiscated many wells for Israeli use. Israel sets quotas on how much water can be drawn by Palestinians from existing wells.

4. The Gaza strip relies predominately on wells that are being increasingly infiltrated by salty sea water because Israel is over-pumping the groundwater. UN scientists estimate that Gaza will have no drinkable water within fifteen years.

5. Many of the most important underground wellsprings in the West Bank are located just to the east of the Green Line dividing Israel from Palestine. Israel has built the Wall not only to annex land but also to annex many of these wells in order to divert water to Israel and illegal West Bank settlements.

(and there are many more, so if you are interested, just look it up on the internet.)

“There is no reason for Palestinians to claim that just because they sit on lands, they have the rights to that water.” Mr. Katz-Oz, Israel’s negotiator on water issues. JOKE! ya Allah, mudahan Engkau memberi keterangan dihati orang ani!

it's incomprehensible to imagine such audacity can actually exist in today's world, especially on our end. we've never had to struggle for food. for shelter. for education. for clothing. for cars. for WATER. but fact is. there are unfortunate parts in this world that suffer from the resources that we are blessed with that often come to us on a silver platter. we live in this civilized world, how can people do this? how can people have so much darkness in their hearts to create their convenience in the expense of taking away the essentials of the weak and inferior? but i guess. it's not difficult to come up with an answer.

i feel so helpless. which makes me feel sadder about this situation. but more than anything. i pray that those who are wronged are able to smile. don't underestimate the simplest of gestures. a smile is charity right. but more so, a smile in the midst of a calamity implies that your contentedness lies with Allah. it means that you are able to believe, trust and love Him even though the going gets tough. and Insyallah Allah has bigger plans for the people of taqwa. The hardships that He grants you in this world does not mean that He does not love you or He does not hear you or He does not pay attention to you. He blesses you with hardships to get you through tests of faith and if we "pass", don't doubt, don't worry, don't falter.. He has promised you heaven. the rewards of heaven that will be forever. the rewards of heaven that cannot be measured by the greatest things in dunia. and believe. BELIEVE. that Allah fulfills His promises in the best way. if you disobey Him, He promised you hellfire and surely that day you are welcomed to the worst of punishments will come if He does not grant you His mercy. and if you are amongst the taqwa and iman... He promised you syurga. be it horrible or beautiful promises, He will grant them when the time calls.

can you imagine how the people are running their lives? how do they get by? the kids. the mothers. the elderly. ya Allah... mudahan Engkau memberikan mereka kekuatan. Allah has said in surah Insyirah. "so verily with every difficulty there is relief." Insyallah. if they are not given ease soon, Allah knows more what is best for them. and Insyallah their hardships are atonement for their sins. Insyallah.

i hope this gives birth to our awakening. we cannot afford to sleep. we have to wake up. we just have to hope and pray that the alarm rings sooner than later because who knows if we'll get later? and when it does ring.. don't snooze it. don't delay it. because we can't afford Your anger, Your disapproval, Your disliking. we can't afford them... we simply cannot. nobody can. our words may value to nothing, which is why we pray that You allow our actions to speak for us.

Please lend your 31 minutes.

Masyallah. everything that came from this man's mouth came from Allah S.W.T. All praise be to Allah Azza Wajalla.

Not really a recap but this will do.

Okay another filler post. I'm in my new home already and last weekend we had our house warming slash hari raya open house. and to be honest, i wasn't really looking forward to it because well, i was aware that it would be a bigger gathering than what we're used to here but alhamdulillah, Allah graced us with His blessings for things to go well and even fun :D So really it was lovely, tiring yes, but it was just so lovely. a day full of hilarity and wonderfun and success so thanks especially to fiisah, fahah, wiwi, wuzzy, wen yen, naj, jase :) but ofcourse thanks to all who came.

anyway yday marked the start of week 2. who's counting? =p but um. yea. it's so early, things seem to appear pre-determined. but i already really feel the surge of work coming my way. and judging by the way i worked last year, this time around would need about around 600% more effort. Seriously. 2-3 hours per module per day, sounds really ideal. but what is real. 30 mins for one module out of 4? that's joke. i procrastinate so much it's insane and ridik.

i'm not feeling too homesick. but i do miss home so incredibly much. and it hurts quite a bit to think that i will be missing home for about 9 months. but i dont know what will happen over the course of time so we shall just see. i do miss everyone though.. sigh sigh sigh! sometimes wish i wasn't so puah. heh. speaking of which, we have been trying to inject some bruneian words into fiisah. because the other day she was on the phone with someone trying to get to our house and i said "napa inda ya tetulus kah?" and then she put on this bangang face and said "huh? apakan tu? bukan macam tulus setulus ikhlas kah." Dui malai ku. (and to those of you who don't know what it means, don't bother googling! you'll never find it bahaha).

okay okay. i have a free day today but free does not mean free anymore. because free day means a permit to go to shopping. HUHIHUHI. no. free day unfortunately means free time to catch up with work and a week's worth of lectures. think i'll actually do this? Insyallah.

and i need to drag meself to leeds sometime soon. and somebody needs to be in brizzle tooooooo. *whistles*

Oh yarz. this weekend. not really excited about raya celebrations etc etc. but i look forward to seeing my jizaiyaz(yea we'll work out another name later). also i'm really sorry to be missing a what will be a bath madness heh heh. really want to be there but apparently can't be in two places at once? so count me in some other time, hanisah ab :)

Toodles Poodles x

(astaghfirullahalazim. cematu tia pulang =p Assalamualaikum bros and sis :))

get ready set nay.

I wish I wouldn't be another student who's going to complain about coming back to Uni. We're lucky enough to come back for Uni, aren't we? But you know what, I am! I am going to complain! Okay maybe rant is a nicer term. TERM. that word reminds me of Uni. First TERM. October 5th. *WAILS*

the past few days i've been seeing people groan about coming back to lectures and everything, so I guess that reminded me where i'll be next monday and i just can't really be joyful at the thought of leaving this comfortable place and return to early mornings, quickie breakfast and frantic walks to lecture rooms and wait for the hour to roll and wait for the next lecture to come round. don't i paint a lovely picture. but i guess, it'll get easier. i mean yea it will. starting might just be a bit rough. and especially my brilliant and stubborn self going back at the last date possible, so i'll most likely be in cold turkey. like no time to transition from lazy to basically ready.

and what sets me *more* off is my new timetable. i would change it. here's why. i finish slightly late on friday (yes, i even have fridays :( ) and then i have a 9AM MONDAY. i mean come on right? oh and you guys know what. i only have TWO econs modules this year and i geeeetttttt aboouuuuuuut SEVEN hours weekly(excluding politics). wow i know, it's completely brilliant. like entirely my heartbeats are thumping in happiness.

But then again. On the other side of the coin. there's this voice that keeps telling me to shut it. and accept things readily and open heartedly. because this all came from Allah. even when it's just about timetable! haha. so when you complain, you are complaining the doings of Allah. and that is not right. i guess i'm just having a hard time thinking about leaving my family. still can't bear the thoughts of not being home until the next 9 months. it's like somewhere in this world just as fertilization occurs to impregnate a woman and only when her baby comes into this world, i'll be home. Insyallah, anyway.

so yes my summer is about to be a closed book. and i'm pretty happy with its content. and to conclude it with hari raya is just icing on the cake. it's been so super lovely; first two days were blissful. and btw i realized that i haven't been going to that many houses as i previously thought. i haven't even gone to my uncles and aunts' on my real mom's side. and well my dad's side, doesn't really count, cos ive seen them tonnes (hehe i feberitism with my bapa's side).

and as i have a few more days left. i naturally have mixed feelings about leaving. it doesn't really matter what date i'm due to leave, this heavy feeling will never subside. but hopefully it won't take me long to resettle. Insyallah it will be fine. wow second year eh? well here's to reinventing my purpose.

Farewell.

ramadhan.

you are a solace. you are a grace. you are the holiest of month. you are the noblest of times. your kindness is... unspeakable. you are truly a beautiful gift from Allah. you are repentance.

i wonder now if we will ever meet again. that is uncertain and unknown. but i pray that i do because 30 days to be in your presence does not come near enough. i feel remorseful for the times that i have neglected your promises. but i cherish the times that i seek your graceful rewards.

Muhammad SAW had said that he wished that everyday was you. and i can't imagine what you had meant to him. He must have been much, much, much kinder to you. it was you on the 24th, the Quran was brought to him by Allah's decree. that has made you special an infinity times. Even when you left, his devotion to Allah did not waver. as we are much more prone to. i feel dismayed at how we treat you. a lot of us misunderstand your purpose but the portion of who comprehends, shall Allah be pleased with them.

you have brought a myriad of beauty. you have cleansed our hearts. you have shown us light. you have corrected our misdoings. you have shown us our own reflection. the time when we figure out who we are without syaitan's games.

but now as you depart. are we able to continue this journey until you arrive 365 days later. but will i still be here? will this world still exist? uncertainties. but what is certain is. you are one of Allah's graces. you are one of His significant signs to mankind. you are one of His greatness. Masyallah, Ramadhan...Allah has blessed us through you. and all your attributes come from Allah. your goodness is from none other than Allah.

when i praise you. i praise Allah. when i thank you. i thank Him. so what you have given me and what i have achieved from you. all is derived from Allah. Syukran Ramadhan. in case, we don't meet again. i pray that you speak for me. on the day I am questioned.

i'm not sad. it just feels very heavy to see you leave. but as everything.. this is the decree of Allah. you have fulfilled your promises. Insyallah we have done the same, or at least the best we could. Farewell.

Syawal. you are His blessing too. so you shall be welcomed with open arms. and you represent victory. i'm just not sure if i'm one of thee to be celebrated for.

(i hope your Ramadhan was amazing. let's pray that our deeds were accepted and kena redhai oleh Allah. and Insyallah He will meet us with the future Ramadhans. I look forward to you!)

Sejadah is where the booth is.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I hope with that, I won't stumble upon my words and not express anything that is in the wrong. Anyway here goes.

It was something that I never used to question. I was taught that we as Muslims are required to pray five times a day and I accepted it. This is regardless of me not fulfilling this duty everyday sometime ago, that's not the question. yet. But so there was no question about it. I didn't really ponder why and what the purpose was, except for the explanation that were given to me on the surface, let them be by my teachers, my parents, my grandparents, my aunts/uncles, etc. In other words, I sort of just took this at its face value.

I might not fully grasp what it is all about yet. I speak this as today. However as I have been growing up with various life experiences, Allah has given me a little of an enlightenment as to what solat should mean to me. And I say that as the weakest hamba Allah. Going back to my interpretation of sembahyang before... it was not something that I made pivotal in my life regretfully. Sometimes, I'd pray. Other times, I just wouldn't. And probably a lot of times, I'd crumple Zuhur and Asar together or Maghrib and Isyak together (by praying late in Zuhur just so in time for Asar tarus so I don't have to do things twice, catch my drift). I thought, you know, there, inda payah dua kali keraja =s. Karang malas lagi. And then there's the ever so famous 'been there done that' story of how you seek Allah by never missing your prayers and adding Hajat prayers when your exam is near or when we are faced with some hardship. How foolish right!! That was the level of shallowness that I had regarding sembahyang. But might I add that, it is ofcourse not wrong to seek Allah when your exams are near or when we're faced with hardships. If not Allah, who else do we seek? Allah is our unwavering friend, so long as we keep seeking Him. He is not comparable to our parents, sebesar-besar mana our parents have helped us in our life, besar dan agung lagi pertolongan Allah arah ketani. Sebaik mana kawan ketani, baik lagi Allah akan kami. He is the companionship that we need all the time. But so yeah, not wrong to seek Him during all of those times. What's wrong with that is our niat. Praying not because of Allah is wrong. And leaving Allah when the rainbows start showing is wronger than wrong. Tapi ini lah manusia. Kita senang alpa dengan kesenangan dan kemewahan, hanya bila susah baru ternangis-nangis mencari pertolongan. I've been there too so I know how it is. And that is jahiliah.

Then one day. Someone asked me. Of all the things that Allah has blessed you with, how have you thanked Him? How have you shown thanks? I was caught off guard. I wasn't uncomfortable because of that person asking me, but it was the fact that I really didn't know how I thanked Him for giving me life. And we can all agree that it is the biggest gift you could ever receive and one that cannot be granted by anyone other than Allah. Do we say thank you, is that enough? We say thank you to Allah just as we say thank you to someone who lends us an umbrella on a rainy day? Oh how we dare do that? How dare we scale the latter's magnitude to the Honor and Nobility of the former? Whether we realize this or we don't. It doesn't suffice to say Alhamdulillah. Ofcourse it's a good thing that we say Alhamdulillah like right after we eat or we hear some good news, etc, etc. But is that where it ends?

So sembahyang to me, is showing our thanks to our Lord. To show and agree that He is the only one worthy of worship. That He is the only one that is capable of everything. To surrender to His decrees and ask for His forgiveness and love. Believe that everything, minute or mega, comes from Allah. It's not just about fulfilling my duty as a Muslim. It's saying thank you Allah for enabling me to wake up to another healthy day. It's saying thank you Allah for maintaining my five senses of sight, taste, touch, hear and smell. It's saying thank you Allah for granting me this family and blissful life. It's saying thank you Allah for giving me Islam. It's saying thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn to distinguish between what is light and what is darkness. And this list goes on and on. And might I even say, praying five times a day is still not sufficient to show our gratitude to Allah the Almighty. Allah the Powerful. Allah the one with Most Honour and Most Noble. And as we always are told, as much as we try, we will never be able to live up to the highest of iman. But ofcourse this fact is not supposed to be discouraging! It's supposed to be motivational. This is not in the same context when someone tells you that you'll never be able to study until phd (implying that you're too dumb to be capable of such a task). When it is said that we'll never clear ourselves from complete sin and full good deeds, it means that we're flawed humans that should continually strive in search of keredhaanNya. So we will not get complacent and think "oh man I'm so beriman, I will defo go into the doors of heaven. I do this everyday and I don't do this, like all of other people, gerenti Allah loves me, no doubt." Doesn't that sound incredibly dense? And believe me, despite being created sebaik-sebaik makhluk by Allah, we are so full of weaknesses and flaws that the probability of us allowing to feel complacent is higher than we think. May it be complacency in terms of iman, may it be complacency in academic aspects or whatever.

Okay going back to my initial point. I read this phrase in some forum sometime ago. It was stated in this person's signature I think. It felt light to read. It said "if you want to talk to Allah, perform your prayers. If you want Allah to talk to you, read the Quran." Isn't that simplicity? Maybe you would think that that's quite obvious. But I have seriously never thought about it in that perspective. But once you do.. it's like wow. You want to talk to Allah in the best manner possible. And that is also what sembahyang is also about. And by sort of communicating with Allah, dengan sendirinya ketani akan mendekatkan diri denganNya. That itself is another purpose. Aside from expressing our syukur to Him, it's a means of us continually asking Him for forgiveness to match our continually performances of sins. and as He has repeatedly told us in the Quran that He will continue to forgive you for your continuous sins as long as you continually ask for His forgiveness. Allah Maha Pengampun, MasyaAllah.

As I also keep hearing and indeed sembahyang is like the tiang that you need when you begin building a house so it will be able to stand properly. Our prayers shall protect us from committing sins and ofcourse I don't mean when someone prays 5 times a day, never miss, he will not sin ever again. That's not our nature. I mean we'd like that to be, how we wish that's the case. But no. But it makes praying all the more necessary. If we are prone to committing sins whilst consistently performing prayers, how much more prone would we be to sins whilst not praying?

Also remember that our prayers will save us. The prayers that Allah SWT accept. The day in our grave when we get questioned by the angels. When they ask about our God, and our deeds that synchronized our faith in Allah and islam. our prayers will speak for us. believe in this day. whole heartedly. it will come. and the fact that Allah has given you another day today only means that He is giving you chances after chances to repent =') He hasn't given us another day to add more weight to our sins. He does the opposite. So which one do we want to do? Remember that Allah tidak menzalimi hamba-hambaNya. Malahan mereka sendiri yang menzalimi diri mereka. ='(

Allah ani lagi Maha Pemurah. Inda abis-abis di barinya tani chance. He has blessed us with Ramadhans after Ramadhans. When we perform our wajib prayers, He grants us 70 more times the pahala than the non-Ramadhan times. How gracious? I mean what have we done to deserve such favour? Nothing, I believe yet He has constantly given us His blessings. Masyallah. And for us to ignore them and throw it away like it shouldn't affect us? Instead, we indulge in all these worldly matters that create a facade of happiness to fulfill our lonely souls. Our souls are lonely. that is why we are constantly on the pursuit of something... something that we try so hard to find, to achieve happiness. to fulfill that hollow, empty feeling. why must we look so far. feed our lonely soul with our love for Allah and Insyallah that is sufficient as He is the disposer of all of our affairs.

Not to mention again.. betapa iblis berada di dalam kekalahan bila umat Muhammad menunaikan sembahyang :) apatah lagi kalau berjemaah :)

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Apabila umatku mendirikan solat, bagaimanakah keadaan engkau?"

raja iblis : "Itulah sebesar-besar kesusahan kepada hamba. Gementarlah seluruh badan hamba dan lemahlah tulang sendi hamba, maka pada waktu itu, hamba menyuruh puluhan syaitan iblis menggoda setiap orang yang hendak bersolat menerusi anggotanya supaya malas bersolat dan hatinya supaya was-was dalam solatnya serta terlupa bilangan rakaatnya. Jika sekelian iblis berkenaan gagal menggoda seperti yang demikian, nescaya mereka akan hamba hukum seberat-beratnya.

Must feel pretty amazing to beat his(iblis) ass. right? the ball is in our court. so which team do we wanna score for? :)

And ofcourse there are many more countless blessings that are contained in prayers. ones that I have not even discovered yet. Insyallah Allah will guide me onto the right paths and shan't I falter especially on the day that i return to Him. Insyallah same goes to you.

notably, may it be known to you the death of umar ibn al-khattab, when he was stabbed six times with a dagger as he was praying, he did not scream and cry in pain, as we probably would. instead he recited Allah and asked people around him if his prayers was complete. :') Masyallah. there was no care for him in his last moments of life but his affairs with Allah. such faith and strength that man held is beyond my comprehension. one that we all just pray to possess even a tenth of. may Allah be pleased with him, umar, who has brought glory to islam. =') Masyallah. atu baru sahabat Nabi. apatah lagi Muhammad SAW sendiri. Masyallah.

So when we do pray five times a day, Insyallah, the next step is to jaga them. Apa gunanya sembahyang lima kali sehari kalau tidak diterima Allah? Mudahan ibadat ketani akan di pelihara dan di terima oleh Allah. Amin. And on that note, I quote a song, it aint my intention to preach but by sharing thoughts I might find some peace here.

Help me find the right way out of this life's maze.

EDIT: ok this post is kind of old. But old doesn't mean stale so hopefully it's still worth a read. and I changed the post title.

This world leaves me breathless. In ways that are neither good nor bad. It arouses confusion and challenges my perception on everything. I ponder about what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes I convince myself that my definition of right and wrong all this while had been inaccurate. Other times, I don't know what to think. But you know, thinking is not a bad thing. Thinking too much still might not be all that bad. It's not bad when you think so much about akhirat but it certainly is burdening to think too much about dunia. Because the former is forever and the latter is a dimension you will leave sooner or later and of which we will have no remnants of when we return to our creator. It's too bad that I unnecessarily burdened myself all of these years then.

I think a lot of things in this world have gone wrong. That much is probably easy to see and say. But what is difficult to spot most of the time is. how much have I contributed to the wrongs? Other peoples' flaws will always be noticed by us, which is probably why we're always so quick to judge and backbite other people. it's the easiest thing to do. you just pick one random person in this world. and say bad things about that person. done. other people's goodness are hard to find. it's easier to confront other people's shortcomings than our own. it's easier to talk about other people's wrongs than our own. it's easier to laugh and make fun of other people than ourselves? Our own mistakes, on the other hand, are not that obvious. I'm biting my own tongue when I say this, trust me. We all acknowledge that we're not perfect blah blah but which area needs improvement? What can we do to better ourselves? Like my good friend, hanisah ab had gently reminded me in her post, we must always think the lowest of ourselves. That way, we'll always try to push ourselves to become better people. I don't interpret this as a way of bringing ourselves down and having no confidence in ourselves. But this shall be a humble feature that we should ingrain in ourselves so we protect us from thinking bad about other people perhaps? let's remind ourselves mengapakah perasaan sombong dan bongkak itu buruk? kerana ia adalah tingkah laku iblis. that is the way he acted when Allah asked segala malaikat, jin dan segala makhluk to prostate to nabi Adam. we all know that story. anyway it's not my intention to preach but this is mostly to create a reminder for everyone mostly myself so I stress. But the sadder part has to be when we don't realize the things we hate/dislike about other people are present in our very ownselves :(

I feel like a hypocrite. Ofcourse I do. That's probably one of the worst things you can describe yourself, but I think so. But anyway that doesn't make me want to give up though. I can't eliminate my faults in one go, maybe I can do it gradually day by day. I'm still figuring things out everyday. as you probably are too. we all are weak. we take forward steps today, we will walk backwards again the next day. but Insyallah forward steps >>>>backward steps.

But going back to what I was saying at the start of this post. you only live once. that's what they always say. so live it to the fullest. they say again. what did they mean? study hard til phd, so i can be someone respectable in society? work hard so I can earn tonnes of cash? socialize hard so i gain a dense network of friends, so I become popular?

nay. i will never bring my economics into akhirat. as i will not bring cash and property to the hereafter. i will not remember any of my family and friends in akhirat as they also will not recognize me. our journey is never ending til the day we die, and we have the liberty to choose how we want to get "there" but our destination should not vary. it's up to you to interpret what that means :)

As ush, speaking to myself before anyone else. Salam.

What we see is deemed normal. What we don't see is deemed abnormal.

What is bad becomes good or okay when we see too much of it already. What is good becomes fodder for skepticism.

We preach for change all the time. But come to think of it, change is what corrupted us in the first place.

Do you want to ponder over these quotes?

It's time to cut our losses.

Salam :)

It goes without saying that progressively our world is increasingly becoming easy. Easy in the sense where things and tasks become more convenient and perhaps more efficient. We are better equipped with research and development, knowledge, technologies, etc. Peoples in our generation had found cures to many diseases that peoples in past eras had died easily from. Peoples in our generation had achieved so many other great things that make this world more modern and civilized. As many people like to say we are so lucky, we are offered a range of things that make our lives better when compared to those who lived in previous times. Alhamdulillah. Yes, Allah telah mengurniakan ketani dengan pelbagai nikmat. Aku syukur. Ketani perlu syukur. Sudahtah Dia mencipta ketani dengan sebaik-baik makhluk, ani lagi di bagiNya ketani... namun cemani jua masih keadaan tani? Bari bangang sudah di pikir-pikirkan.

Anyways that's not the point. Well that is the point. But I'm trying to deliver a paradox here. The more modern and "civilized" we get, the further we drift away from Allah. Is that lucky? No. And when I think back to what I have mentioned above... lucky kah kami ani? Awu, memang. Tapi to what extent? Walaupun segala yang ketani nikmati selama ani datang dari Allah, segala barang-barang dunia ani lah yang melemaskan ketani dan menjauhkan ketani daripada pencipta ketani. We are so distracted. Membutakan banar-banar tah. Allah memberi ketani segala yang nyaman-nyaman di dunia ani mesti ada kebaikannya, no doubt... tapi yatah it's our job to fight nafsu ketani yang berlebih-lebihan... well my interpretation is macam Allah sudah membagikan ketani sesuatu yang "baik" ah dari segi benda dunia lah ah... but we should not take ALL of it cause if we do, we will be too consumed with it, it atu dunia lah. We should take the good that Allah offers us, and Allah bagi ketani akal bah untuk memikir mana satu baik, mana satu jahat... tapi sayangnya.. pengertian baik dan jahat ketani ani sudah tercemar.. oleh kerana iblis sentiasa mengotori hati ketani. Take me, for example, I cannot deny that walaupun sudah berfikiran cemani, ada banyak keduniaan yang I still indulge in, inda kira subconsciously or otherwise, so yatah mesti di tackle bit by bit Insyallah. Like Allah berikan kurnia ketani tidur nyaman, tapi jangan labih-labih sampai subuh tinggal, cematu lah one example lah ah.

The past week, I have been learning bits and bits about sejarah Nabi Muhammad. Yatah macam... ya Allah... inda terkata... macam... Masyallah... selama ani... aku macam look up to so many celebrities or orang-orang lain yang kononnya hebat lah segala etc, ofcourse lah ah dari damit sudah tau pasal Nabi Muhammad tapi macam.. setakat belajar sikit-sikit arah sekolah ugama, mendengar cerita orang etc. Tapi Ya Allah... Nabi Muhammad ani.. suci bah. Atu pun sudah understatement lah actually. You can't even describe his personality, his heart, his whole charisma, his everything because no word can suffice... no word can justify what kind of human being he was. Masyallah... suci... sempurna... I'm really touched lah basically, by his life. Macam sudah baca and mendengar segala cerita-cerita Nabi Muhammad, you can't help but feel... Masyallah... aku berada di dalam kerugian kerana tidak hidup di era Nabi Muhammad... not that I am against Allah's wishes and desires that I exist in this era instead.. tapi perasaan rugi atu bah.. macam... wow... kehidupan Nabi Muhammad bersama sahabat-sahabatnya... Masyallah... I'm impressed? That's not even a good word to describe it. Terharu dengan pergobanan mereka... it's like.. Ya Allah.. they had such purity in their hearts that we can't even imagine to have gone through what they did...ketani ani... ya Rabbi... apakan.. tutup karan sudah macam palau mengomplain. Ya Allah. Ampunkanlah dosa-dosa kami dan semoga kami termasuk dalam golongan-golongan beriman kepadaMu.

So I guess in a way, keadaan untung ketani at the same time.. keadaan kerugian... only it is up to us either to milk WHICH profits and WHICH losses. Obviously I am speaking to myself before I speak to anyone else sebab when diri ani meliat ke arah cermin... banyak kesalahan masih.. banyak dosa kelmarin, hari ani dan besok... hati balum lembut lagi... tapi Insyallah we all will be guided towards jalan Allah. Ramadhan has begun, so together, we make use of this bonus month that Allah so gracefully granted us... ingat tah ketani saja.. semua iblis dan syaitan di ikat dan di tapuk selama sebulan ani.. segala kejahatan yang ketani buat dalam bulan Ramadhan atu ketani tah punya salah tu, jangantah kan salahkan iblis saja.. atu nafsu sendiri... so Insyallah we will fight this nafsu because as I have been told in the kursus it is the biggest battle that we will ever encounter.. a battle with one ownself. It's scary though when I think of it, how whatever evil that I may conduct in this holy month is actually my own doing, uninfluenced by syaitan.

Sometimes though sudah terkenang kisah-kisah Nabi atu memang rasa sebak kan apa.. tapi bida jua sudah insaf mun sekadar seminit ani ah? and like ofcourse words don't mean anything without action to validate them. Yatah mesti tegap iman ani nya orang.. Insyallah... Mesti pakai tudung! Insyallah. Amin.

Alhamdulillah the kursus fiqh musafir that officially ended on Thursday was a success. When I heard that it was going to be at IPA (pasal ingat masa scholarship orientation), I immediately thought omaaaaaaadazzzzeeee.... apa ini.... gerenti.. duduk arah kerusi panggilan yang merah atu mengantuk-mengantuk mendangar ceramah yang duduk2 arah kerusi di podium... thinking that it would be better if it was more intimate, macam bukan ceramah tapi discussion pasal Islam lah ah... but what happened was... the setting of the room was appropriate but (walaupun ada sekali atu I was so sleepy that afternoon) inda terjadilah like what I thought, it was effective, let's just say. Jazakumullahu Khayran kepada ustaz dan ustazah yang telah menyampaikan pengajaran Islam kepada kami lah ah... and also to those who helped to make the event happen. Alhamdulillah. Insyallah the ilmu that we were injected with within the very short three days, will not easily flow out lah... Insyallah ilmu itulah diantara yang akan kami mempergunakan untuk membuatkan diri dan keluarga dan kawan-kawan kami bekalan untuk akhirat. Amin.

Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadhan guys :D I'm sorry if ever either my words or doings in the past or now had/have offended you. Allah is the Most Forgiving, even the biggest sin one can commit as long as one repents.. ani tah kan dosa between our Muslim brothers and sisters kan? :D Salam.

50

i feel very half and half right now like 0.5 of me wants to be serious and the other 50 wants to laugh about something. how fitting. never mind that.

i don't know if any of you are counting but summer is just about half done. so that's okay right. I chose not to make an effort to find work this time and I haven't gone anywhere since I came home... which is fine.. cos I'm not really the type who itches to travel that kind of thing, just not that adventurous and you know, I travel when I travel. But should probably squeeze some of that when I go back to the UK, Insyallah.

ramadhan is coming soon. Should be very rewarding :) Insyallah Taala. you know, as I think about it, as lazy as this summer has been for me, there has been a lot of self reflection taking place. which is productive defo. you probably think that that's me trying to make myself feel better but no, it really is. I've been trying to excavate what this life is about and what lessons to take and that sort of stuff. probably doesn't make sense when you read this, it's a personal experience. and I'd like to think I grew up a little bit... let's face it, I need a lot of that. not self degradation, but you know, self criticism. reminder. whatever you wanna call it.

but this summer has turned out kind of funny in a way. a way that it turned out how i expected it to be but funnily, in some ways, it hasn't been what i thought it would be. heh. all in all, syukur Alhamdulillah.

also, happy birthday to Kaka Wani, abang Jirs, kaka Amal, Unggal and Ilyasa. August is always about you guys and you all are awesome and may Allah bless you and me for having you guys in my life <3.

oh. um. as hanisah ab has posted in some of her recent entries, or 2 weeks ago, there will be a kursus fiqh musafir which stretches from august 18th to the 20th. which is also spreading across facebook at this time now anyway. but good right. it's about time we have this kind of event filling in our page instead of some black and white or foam or school's out summer party. heh. so i hope you guys come because you have nothing to lose but much to gain. Insyallah it will be fruitful, hopefully i see some of you faces there.

Graduation.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I CAN'T HELP BUT GUSH. MY SUPER DUPER FAVOURITE COUSIN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD GRADUATED TODAY =DDDDDDDDDD SAYANG, SAYANG, SAYANG BERABIS <33333333333333

Ok, let's make a testimonial for you, wonderful person! I've known Kaka Amal all my liiiiiife ofcourse. She was the Kimberly in our Power Rangers team huhuhu. I can't look back at our childhood with any regret or sadness, because she is seriously one of the best people to grow up with alongside my wonderful sister and brother. How amazing can one person be to still want me in their life even after I gigit her back sampai red *malu* All I can say is that I feel blessed to have you in my life <3

What a wonderful photo <3 I LOVE YOU. (i stoles this from your FACEBOOKZ, i hope yer dont mind) LOVELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MWAH MWAH. We're all so proud of youuuuuu.

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. MAY ALLAH REWARD YOU WITH MORE WONDERFUL BLESSINGS IN THE FUTURE, WONDERFUL SOUL <3

Some forwarded emails are worth reading heh!

Hello. Salam. I have a few old emails to share with all of you. These are as old as when I was in form 2, I think. So most of you have probably read these before but hey, read them again! These emails are very light yet sweet, I hope you will take something from reading them.

>As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy. At one point you had to wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me, but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

>

>I noticed that before lunch you looked around, may be you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables o! ver and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

>

>Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said good night to your family you popped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

>

>I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation. Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

>

>Your friend, ALLAH


It's an understatement to call Allah a friend, because He is obviously more than that. He is our creator, the creator of all. But still, it contains a signigficant reminder because I have been that person. You have been that person. One of our biggest failures is that we fail to see that worldly matters are secondary. We miss the primary purpose of our existence. Dunia and akhirat are two ends of a spectrum and I think our dunia is excessive when weighed against akhirat. You know, we have been constantly told that Allah SWT is the most forgiving and He will wait for you. But seek Him as soon as possible because you don't know how much time you have left in this world. Seek Him and He will seek you. which brings me to the second email...

>>A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as always. He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. They talked about so many things and various subjects. Suddenly, they touched the subject of ALLAH. The barber said "Look man, I don't believe that ALLAH exists as you say so." "Why do you say that?" Asked the client. Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that ALLAH does not exist. Oh, tell me, if ALLAH existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If ALLAH existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of a ALLAH who permits all of these things." The client stopped for a moment thinking but he didn't want to respond so as to prevent an argument. The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop. Just after he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street >>>>>with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long >>>>>time since he had his cut and he looked so untidy). Then the client again entered the barber shop and he said to the barber." know what? Barbers do not exist." "How come they don't exist?"-asked the barber. "Well I am here and I am a barber." "No!" - the client exclaimed. "They don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long >>>>>hair and beard like that man who walks in the street." "Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come >>>>>to me." "Exactly!"- affirmed the client. "That's the point. ALLAH does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him that's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

I LOVE THIS ONE. It's so spot on. This email really just implies to the skeptics out there thinking that if Allah is really the most forgiving and kind, why has He allowed such hardship in the world - it's a superficial concept about God, really. The reason why there is so much pain and suffering in the world is not only because people do not come to Allah.. because fact is.. even people who are the most devoted and loyal to Allah suffer pain and sufferings. Allah tests our faith by granting us pain and sufferings so we should not be misled into thinking that when we are tested with such calamity, Allah doesn't love us or start thinking that life is unfair and everything. Because whether Allah grants us wonderful things or unfortunate ones in life.. either way they are His blessings. So we should always be thankful, even when we suffer from unfortunate events. It's not easy, which is why it is a challenge but if we ingrain that belief and faith in our hearts, Insyallah we will take everything, (positive and neg) that will be given to us with much ease and comfort.

Apakah Tuhan itu ada?

>Ada seorang pemuda yang lama sekolah di negeri paman Sam kembali ke
> > tanah air. Sesampainya dirumah ia meminta kepada orang tuanya untuk
> > mencari seorang Guru agama, kyai atau siapapun yang bisa menjawab 3
> > pertanyaannya. Akhirnya Orang tua pemuda itu mendapatkan orang
>tersebut.
> >
> > Pemuda: Anda siapa? Dan apakah bisa menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan
>saya?
> > Kyai : Saya hamba Allah dan dengan izin-Nya saya akan menjawab
>pertanyaan
> > anda
> > Pemuda: Anda yakin? Sedang Profesor dan banyak orang pintar saja
>tidak
> > mampu menjawab pertanyaansaya.
> > Kyai : Saya akan mencoba sejauh kemampuan saya
> > Pemuda: Saya punya 3 buah pertanyaan
> >
> > 1. Kalau memang Tuhan itu ada, tunjukan wujud Tuhan kepada saya
> > 2. Apakah yang dinamakan takdir
> > 3. Kalau syetan diciptakan dari api kenapa dimasukan ke neraka yang
>dibuat
> > dari api, tentu tidak menyakitkan buat syetan Sebab mereka memiliki
>unsur
> > yang sama. Apakah Tuhan tidak pernah berfikir sejauh itu?
> >
> > Tiba-tiba Kyai tersebut menampar pipi si Pemuda dengan keras. Pemuda
> > (sambil menahan sakit): Kenapa anda marah kepada saya?
> > Kyai : Saya tidak marah...Tamparan itu adalah jawaban saya atas 3
>buah
> > pertanyaan yang anda ajukan kepada saya.
> >
> > Pemuda: Saya sungguh-sungguh tidak mengerti
> >
> > Kyai : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?
> > Pemuda: Tentu saja saya merasakan sakit
> > Kyai : Jadi anda percaya bahwa sakit itu ada?
> > Pemuda: Ya
> > Kyai : Tunjukan pada saya wujud sakit itu !
> > Pemuda: Saya tidak bisa
> > Kyai : Itulah jawaban pertanyaan pertama: kita semua merasakan
>keberadaan
> > Tuhan tanpa mampu melihat wujudnya.
> >
> > Kyai : Apakah tadi malam anda bermimpi akan ditampar oleh saya?
> > Pemuda: Tidak
> > Kyai : Apakah pernah terpikir oleh anda akan menerima sebuah tamparan
>dari
> > saya hari ini?
> > Pemuda: Tidak
> > Kyai : Itulah yang dinamakan Takdir
> >
> > Kyai : Terbuat dari apa tangan yang saya gunakan untuk menampar anda?
> > Pemuda: kulit
> > Kyai : Terbuat dari apa pipi anda?
> > Pemuda: kulit
> > Kyai : Bagaimana rasanya tamparan saya?
> > Pemuda: sakit
> > Kyai : Walaupun Syeitan terbuat dari api dan Neraka terbuat dari api,
>Jika
> > Tuhan berkehendak maka Neraka akan Menjadi tempat menyakitkan untuk
> > syeitan.

Love this one too. Some people choose not to believe in God because God is something the living cannot see in its physicality hence choose to deny its existence. Things needed to be seen by the naked eye in order to make sense for some people. But He is obviously bigger than anything and everything. And I think this piece of email is a very good stand against that argument :)

I heart these three emails <3

There is no such thing as a modern Muslim.

What do you think of when you hear "Modern Islam" or "modern Muslim"? I understand that some people label certain Muslims as modern by their behaviour and lifestyle. So I'm going to take that definition. And just recently, I realize how bigoted this misconception is. To no(or little) fault of the non-Muslims, they are just observing the image portrayed by Muslims that surround them.

"Have you no Muslim friends?"
"Yeah but they're kind of modern... they eat pork, don't fast and stuff, drink."
"I guess the younger generation doesn't really care anymore about religion."

Astaghfirullah. This terminology to me sounds absurd now. Modern Muslim... is apparently if you are Islam in name but does not wear tudung (pleading guilty =/), pakai baju sampai keluar susu, drink, eat pork, etc. EPIC FALLACY. that couldn't be further from wrong. if someone who is a Muslim, doesn't jaga aurat well, drinks alcohol, eat pork and does anything against Islamic teachings, they are simply BAD Muslims. It does not in any way mean that they are "modern". There is no classification of Muslims being "old-fashioned", "traditional", "modern", etc. i wish I had corrected them, but at that time, macam inda terlintas kan menjawab, it just immediately got me thinking into this.

The media has a pretty screwed up image of Islam, what with terrorism and the act of extremism that somewhat characterizes the religion, in their eyes. Yes, those who base Islam on violence and stereotyping every Muslim with bombs and anything to do with degrading women rights, are ignorant. But think of this. How much, have we, as Muslims tried to prove them otherwise? They form negative opinion of our religion because they saw all these bad traits coming off from Muslims so they must think "ahhh this must be what Islam preaches!" TRAVESTY. So, it is our responsibility to try and correct those people around us, may they know the truth and Insyallah if ALLAH SWT permits, their hearts will be open to Islam. This is definitely one area I need to work on.. if someone up front asks me anything about Islam.. stuff like "what can you do and what can you not do?" is probably more answerable but here comes the toughie.. "why do you have to....." or "why do some people wear tudung and others don't? why do YOU not wear one?" "what makes you think Islam is the right one?" Maybe you would think that, huh.. if you have trouble answering any of that, that probably means that you don't believe in it as much as you say you do. But the thing is, it's difficult trying to express your opinion when it comes to religion, if you say anything wrong especially if subconsciously, berdosa saja. It's not easy finding the right words. Suddenly, eloquency falls very short.

This also pretty much leads me to another issue about how some people think that Islam evolves according to time periods. I shamefully have let this thought cross my mind in the past because of all this dunia things injected in my head... "sekarang zaman modern sudah.. dapat blablabla" But it hit me.. what makes me think that Islam needs to adapt to globalization and civilization? Don't make Islam adapt to me, but make me adapt to Islam. Ya lah, easier said than done. Tapi Insyallah terbuka hati nanti untuk menerima hidayah dari ALLAH SWT.

So yeah I mean we must be kidding ourselves to the bone if we think that Islam is an evolution according to time periods. It's as if thinking that the Quran is being updated each time period. Or modified according to current lifestyle, tastes and fashion? FALSE. The teachings of Quran remain as it is, the day it was first descended to Nabi Muhammad SAW(Peace Be Upon Him) during the night of Lailatul Qadar (noted that Quran di turunkan secara beransur).

As promised, here are some more exercepts from the dialogue exchange between Nabi Muhammad SAW (Peace Be Upon Him) and iblis.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Apabila umatku mendirikan solat, bagaimanakah keadaan engkau?"

raja iblis : "Itulah sebesar-besar kesusahan kepada hamba. Gementarlah seluruh badan hamba dan lemahlah tulang sendi hamba, maka pada waktu itu, hamba menyuruh puluhan syaitan iblis menggoda setiap orang yang hendak bersolat menerusi anggotanya supaya malas bersolat dan hatinya supaya was-was dalam solatnya serta terlupa bilangan rakaatnya. Mereka juga akan bimbangkan pekerjaan dunia dan hatinya hendak cepat-cepat menamatkan solatnya. Sesetengah iblis masuk ke dalam mata orang yang hendak bersolat supaya ia tidak kusyuk dalam solatnya sehingga mereka berpaling atau menjeling ke kanan dan kiri semasa solat. (Maka) tidaklah tetap hatinya serta hilanglah kusyuknya. Sesetengah iblis memasuki telinga orang yang bersolat supaya memasang telinga mendengar perbualan orang, bunyi-bunyian dan sebagainya - yang sia-sia belaka. Sesetengah iblis duduk pada belakangnya supaya orang yang bersolat itu tidak berupaya lama-lama semasa bersujud atau bertahiyyat. Di dalam hatinya sering bekehendakkan agar solatnya segera tamat dan ini tentunya akan mengurangkan pahala solat. Jika sekelian iblis berkenaan gagal menggoda seperti yang demikian, nescaya mereka akan hamba hukum seberat-beratnya.

Oh man. Countless times that I have lost myself to the tactics above. Praying only takes about less than one quarter of our day daily and yet I still can't devote the little time that I have with ALLAH SWT, such weakness. But maybe now that we've read this, we will try to remember that iblis is behind it and make him suffer by strengthening our iman. Insyallah Taala.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Apa pula rahsia engkau terhadap umatku?
raja iblis : "Jika seorang muslim ingin membuang air besar (ke tandas), jika tidak membaca doa kepada Allah SWT untuk mohon perlindungan daripada syaitan, nescaya hamba lumurkan najis itu ke tubuhnya tanpa disedari.

(Inilah doanya sebelum sampai ke tandas - Bismillahi AllaHomma Innii a uu dzubikaminal khubusi wal khobaa is jika masuk ke tandas, dahulukanlah kaki kiri dan jika keluar dari tandas dahulukan pula kaki kanan dan apabila jauh empat-lima langkah daripada tandas, dibaca di dalam hati GhufraanakalhamdulillaaHil

ladzii azHaba annil azaa wa aafinii dan apabila selesai bersuci dibacakan doa AllaaHumma ToHHir Qalbii minnifaaqi wahaSSin farjii minal fawaa hi shi )

Maka jika dibacakan doa-doa tersebut, larilah hamba daripadanya.

HOW SCREWED UP IS THAT? EVERY. SINGLE. THING. iblis tries to dirty us.. and this LITERALLY SO! So this basically implies that at every time and place, we should try to have ALLAH SWT in our minds constantly. Insyallah Taala.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Di manakah kediamanmu?
raja iblis : "(hamba tinggal) Pada rumah berhala dan pada mana-mana batu, kayu, tembaga dan sebagainya (bahan pujaan) Apabila mereka menyembah (berhala, batu, kayu, tembaga dan sebagainya), maka hamba cenderungkan hati mereka supaya bertambah-tambah keyakinannya terhadap pekerjaan mereka (menyembah berhala) yang syirik itu. Betapa ramainya umat Tuan Hamba telah hamba pesongkan sehingga memasuki rumah berhala Majusi dan Hindu yang menunjukkan betapa nipisnya iman mereka.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: "Hai iblis! Di manakah tempat perhimpunanmu?raja iblis : "Pada rumah wayang dan tempat majlis tarian dan seumpamanya seperti tempat percampuran lelaki dan perempuan (secara bebas)

I admit delusionally that I thought going clubbing was "okay" as long as you're there to just dance and just don't drink alcohol. Keep your intentions as they are. But that is completely naive and idiotic of me.. the act of dancing in a club (or probably anywhere else for that matter) itself is sinful and despite my non-intentions to drink or whatever, it still means stepping into "tempat perhimpunan" iblis, tempat maksiat. And besides, even if one intends to not do anything when stepping in... mun namanya tempat perhimpunan segala iblis dan syaitan.. apa lagi.. sanang bah tu kana hasut. Nauzubillah.

(The following one I quoted in a previous post but some of the dialogue confirms my point above.)

RASULULLAH S.A.W: Hai iblis! Bagaimanakah perbuatanmu kepada makhluk Allah SWT?

Kalau terdapat sesuatu pesta yang melibatkan pergaulan bebas lelaki dan perempuan, maka hamba akan menggoda bersungguh-sungguh supaya mereka kehilangan maruah, meminum arak dan mempengaruhi rakannya dengan cara paksaan supaya meminum arak sehingga hilang akal dan hilang rasa malu mereka. Lalu hamba hulurkan tali percintaan yang asyik sehingga terbuka beberapa pintu maksiat yang besar supaya mereka berhasad-dengki sehingga melakukan perzinaan.

Speaking to myself before anyone else, but as Muslims(even though most times we feel like we don't deserve to!), we all have binding responsibilities to remind each other of our Muslim responsibilities.

LOL 101

Don't you find the word LOL so extremely overused? Obviously I use it too, and quite a lot. But at least it's in the right context. So I don't mind it but when people say lol at anything.....

Text 1: hey do you wanna grab lunch?
(after an hour or so)
Text 2: hey i'm so sorry, i just read your text, but i just had lunch. maybe some other time!
Text 3: it's ok lolol

................ o....k?

IM 1: i know right, i can't wait til this is all over! anyways.. i gotta go now, good night!
IM2: okay see u lol

My dad committed this offence once. We were talking on msn and he was telling me he needed to go....

Bapa says:
anyways have a good weekend yeah..gtg now will try to chat with you later...lol

........ wait. my dad knows LOL? That's so LOL. but wait that's not even right. And okay I was amused rather than "..." when I read that, thought it was really funny because it's my dad. And I didn't say anything to correct him. So, okay another MSN session some time later.....

Bapa says:
au yth bapa pun inda tau bila... btw, apakan lol ani?

........MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I really don't remember what I said back but my dad can use it in the right context now, I think.

But like, it's not even the fact that people don't know how to use "lol" (unless you're a dad. jokes) but it's rather people say it because they don't know what else to say? Well okay let me tell you something... when someone says to you over MSN that they wanna sleep or whatever, why don't you just reply "alright ok, good night." instead of "ok lol" I suppose it's out of habit. I mean one can even say, "Lol you're so pathetic lol" "I'm having such a bad day!" "Lol what happened? lol."

And it's rarely used in real life. Although I do say lol in real life, when something funny comes up but not too funny as to make me laugh out loud so the 'lol' kinda suffices. My cousin, Dina who's like 7 now, once said to me irl, "kaka masa atu ice skating kan sekali gugur? lol" hahahaha.

But like yeah Laughing Out Loud doesn't literally mean laughing out loud... (yes, I have a certain knack for stating the obvious) it only means literally laughing out loud when someone actually tells you that they just LOL-ed in real life.

Anyhoots exams are ovaaaa soooo WHAT TIME IS IT? summer, SUMMER, summer.

...Lol?

Exams.

It is of great misunderstanding that I haven't put up any significant entry since the last one because I have been too busy with revision and exams to engage with the cyberworld. That is indeed a great error in judgment. I do not know why I often have the need to paint a picture of myself to all of you that I am not revising. I mean.. what does that constant revelation give off? Absolutely nothing. So I apologize if I have been shoving so much of my "OMG I'M SO LAZY, REVISION IS GOING UNWELL OMG HOW EXAMS ARE STRESS" down your throat. Okay I think that was another one. Okay. Moving on.

Significantly, today, I realize that my exams, as stressful and difficult the whole process feels, they aren't the real exams. Obviously the exams matter, but to a limited degree. Ilmu dunia. Menuntut ilmu is highly noble and wajib in Islam, given that an individual has the means. Tetapi... no matter how handal we are in studying segala yang melibatkan hal ehwal dunia... tanpa ilmu akhirat.. we aren't going very far. What matters the most is the exam that we go through daily that started since the day upon our arrival on Earth (birth) up til the day upon our departure (death). It feels like everyday we fail when we succumb to the seduction of iblis but selagi ALLAH memberikan kita masa di dunia, ertinya Dia memberikan ketani peluang untuk "pass". Adakah kita menggunakan peluang ini? Malu rasanya kan menjawab. Malu, bukan dengan kamu.. tapi malu dengan ALLAH.

I know we all know that Iblis is our enemy. Setiap saat, iblis ada membisik arah telinga ketani untuk membuat apa saja to make us deviate from ALLAH. Honestly.. I forget that iblis is always there to hasut us... until I receive dakwah mengenainya. Macam wow... iblis ani inda mau meninggalkan ketani selagi ketani inda ikut ia ke neraka. As much as we are aware of his doings, yet we still listen to him.. setiap hari ada saja dosa ketani buat.. inda payah ketani tanya kenapa. We can only pray to ALLAH to keep us away from jahiliah, berdoa supaya moga suatu hari Dia akan memberikan ketani hidayah dan petunjuk supaya ketani menjalankan kehidupan ketani sebagaimana diredhaiNya. Amin. Insyallah Taala.

So yeah.. we are being examed. We are put on this Earth for a reason. Such a basic reason, that a lot of times we just forget or completely oblivious to. Just think.. why do you think you have to sit for exams? To test your knowledge in the field of your studies and when you succeed, you are able to elevate to the next stage. ALLAH sentiasa menguji hambaNya... and I believe this truly, in which He will not put us through circumstances that He knows we can't handle. ALLAH Maha Mengetahui. Walaupun ketani inda suka kadang-kadang apa yang berlaku dalam hidup ketani, ALLAH lebih mengetahui... we can dislike something but it is actually good for us. Ada hikmah di sebaliknya. There is indeed a reason for everything. Everything and anything leads us back to ALLAH.

You know... whenever I post something like this, I always feel the need to justify something. I don't know if anyone reads this and might form an opinion that I am being hypocritical. I am the first one to admit that I am so far from being the one to give anyone advice atau teguran. Macam nada usul. But I just hope this message acts as a reminder to you. Most of all, it is a reminder for me. As I keep saying, I'm speaking to myself before anyone else. Like I said, setiap hari rasanya tergoda dengan iblis.. walaupun hati mau dengan ALLAH, our actions speak otherwise. Process mendekatkan diri kepada ALLAH, personally for me, bukan overnight. Kalau tah boleh, kan? Banyak lagi ruang for me to perbaikkan myself. Banyak rumpang-rumpang. Mudah lupa. Tapi Insyallah Taala, dengan izin ALLAH, ketani akan ada peluang untuk menjadi muslimin dan muslimat yang berada di sisiNya. Amin!

Below is an excerpt of a dialogue exchange when iblis di perintahkan ALLAH berjumpa Nabi Muhammad SAW (Peace Be Upon Him) untuk menjawab segala pertanyaan tanpa berbohong. There's many more, which I shall post in parts later.

RASULULLAH S.A.W: Hai iblis! Bagaimanakah perbuatanmu kepada makhluk Allah SWT?

raja iblis : Ya Nabi Allah, hamba goda perempuan-perempuan supaya merenggangkan kedua pahanya kepada lelaki yang bukan suaminya dan sesetengahnya hingga menghasilkan benih yang bersalah-salahan sifatnya. Hamba goda segala manusia supaya meninggalkan solat dan leka dengan makan-minum dan berbuat kemungkaran. Sesetengahnya hamba lalaikan dengan harta-bendanya daripada emas, perak, rumah dan ladang dan hasilnya dibelanjakan ke atas segala pekerjaan yang haram. Telah banyak kaum lelaki dan perempuan terpesong imannya menerusi tentera jin, iblis dan syaitan yang hamba perintahkan supaya menarik mereka ke jalan kemungkaran. Kalau terdapat sesuatu pesta yang melibatkan pergaulan bebas lelaki dan perempuan, maka hamba akan menggoda bersungguh-sungguh supaya mereka kehilangan maruah, meminum arak dan mempengaruhi rakannya dengan cara paksaan supaya meminum arak sehingga hilang akal dan hilang rasa malu mereka. Lalu hamba hulurkan tali percintaan yang asyik sehingga terbuka beberapa pintu maksiat yang besar supaya mereka berhasad-dengki sehingga melakukan perzinaan. Apabila lelaki dan perempuan berkasih-kasihan, maka terpaksalah mereka mencari wang menerusi tipu daya serta mencuri. Sekiranya mereka menyedari kesalahan masing-masing dan ingin bertaubat atau beramal-ibadat, hamba akan halang mereka sehingga mereka bertangguh dan bertempoh dalam berbuat kebajikan. Hamba juga akan menggoda dengan lebih kuat supaya melazimkan maksiat dan menyukai isteri orang. Maka telah ramai umat Tuan Hamba telah hamba sesatkan dengan jalan ini dengan bantuan jin, syaitan dan iblis di mana hamba menyuruh mereka menghasut seluruh anggota manusia hingga ke dalam tubuh badannya. Apabila mereka digoda pada hati, maka mereka akan sentiasa riak dan takabbur, ujub serta melengah-lengahkan amalnya dan berlaku sombong. Apabila mereka digoda pada lidah, maka sentiasalah mereka gemar berdusta, mencela dan mengumpat satu sama lain. Demikianlah hamba menghasut mereka semasa siang, malam, pagi dan petang.

Let's remember what we forget.

Speaking to myself before anyone else when I say this...

But let's spare some time between the 24 hours that we have in a day to recite Ayat Kursi.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/918570/Ayatul-Kursi-Some-of-Its-Benefit

p-s a friend gave me said link so thank you.

Apa syukurmu kepadaNya?

I think... everyday... subconsciously I think to myself what is the purpose of life. My mind throw several answers and I somehow just silently think yeah maybe that's it. The purpose of life is to live life to the fullest. The purpose of life is to serve a meaning in this world. The purpose of life is to embrace what you can get and enjoy it - don't be a coward and live in your own corner, don't be selfish with your own wants and needs - be happy, healthy and successful.

And then this morning, I realize that none of those mean anything. Suddenly the problems that I let occupy my mind and life seem so incredibly acute. They appear so minuscule when put next to the big thoughts I was washed over with. Our purpose of life is one and one only that is to serve as God's creation - sebagai Hamba Allah. What are my life problems when compared to what I have to face in later life and what answers do I give when asked about the sins that I have committed?

Allah has granted us many, many blessings - but what have we done to return the favor? Just one simple example of Him letting you live just another day, what have I done to thank Him? And apatah lagi for these 19 years? Apakah syukur yang telah ku berikan setelah segala yang dikurniakan Allah? That's a very good question posed to me this morning. It did leave me dumbfounded. 19 years, and 19 years.. you have all these accomplishments in life and yes, they are significant but they really mean nothing when I am no one in God's eyes. You know what I'm trying to say? Obviously I might as well be the last person to impose these questions on you, meaning macam rasanya inda layak menanya orang lain hal-hal Allah. But making you feel small is the least of my intentions, I just want to bring this across just like how someone has made me reflect upon the bigger picture. It might leave you unaffected, it might make you think, I don't know. I don't even know what effect it will give me in the long-term. So many times I have come across strong messages but continuity is always a problem of mine.

Dunia sangat lah indah. Kami hanya lah manusia yang mudah lupa dan berkenan kepada keindahan dunia. Kehidupan sungguh melalaikan dan bila manis, kami suka meraikannya dan mungkin itu membuatkan kami lebih jauh daripadaMu. Hanya bila kami bersedih dan berada dalam kesusahan, kami akan teringat padaMu dan meminta pertolongan dariMu. Ya Allah, berikanlah kami petunjuk agar kami menjalani kehidupan kami sebagaimana yang Engkau redhai. Amin.

Tapi aku juga sedar bahawa dunia ini penuh dengan kekejaman. Kerana syaitan berada di mana-mana, menanam perasaan hasad dengki dan pelbagai buruk, hina dan busuk di hati-hati manusia. Bila ku fikirkan adakah diriku sebahagian kekejaman dunia, hati rasa sungguh perit dan takut. Ya Allah, lindungilah aku serta keluargaku dan kawan-kawanku dari segala keburukan. Amin.

And what I am afraid most of is losing these thoughts the morning after I wake up tomorrow :S Like what I said about continuity earlier. I can question myself over and over but if I don't do what I'm supposed to, it leaves me nowhere lah. I thought to myself Insyallah, take baby steps. I cannot promise that I will jaga my aurat 100% or that I will pray 5 times a day for the rest of my remaining life - ofcourse I want to. I want to be near, I want to feel close to Allah and the only way to do that is to give yourself to Him and Him only. Allah sudah memberikan kita nikmat kehidupan, dan akhirnya aku akan kembali kepadaNya jua. Insyallah. Also, I cannot deny that I am thirsty, I crave for desire to have, want, unnecessary things in life. And I also realized that living in the UK makes it more challenging, as we often go on about how awesome London is and the place is almost literally limitless. Ia membutakan aku, kemewahan disana sungguh membutakan.

Insyallah. one month. 2 years. 7 years. 10 years. Insyallah Allah will let me be a better Muslimah in my lifetime and I pray the same for you. Amin.

This Monday aint so bad.

So. Garfield says that Mondays suck. He's not always right :D Hahaha it wasn't as bad as I expected, let's just say.

Anweiz. Tonight we had a National Day dinner at Cabot. Just to be together for this special occasion. It was nice. So. What are you all feeling so nationalistic about today? Is it the fact that you are currently in a foreign land that makes you appreciate your homeland? That is completely legit, actually. You live away from home and start to adapt to a different lifestyle and culture ofcourse it makes you think back the kind of life and culture we were accustomed to. So yeah that's fine. Or maybe it is the fact that it reminds you of the past that we were once a larger territory that extended to the Sulu Islands (I think this is right, not quite sure, but I'm almost certain) and is now reduced to 4 districts? The one story that I still remember, being told by one of my History teachers, was how our previous Kings fought although almost futile, to keep our country from shrinking during the time James Brooke started placing his nose where it didn't belong! I don't quite remember this quote from the king which captured the sadness of the situation of that time, which is unfortunate cos it was so aching. Something about him rather eating grass rather than his country being stripped off to branches of a tree.

Your reason(s) for nationalism or patriotism might be contemporary in nature; in the sense that what is happening around you today contributes to your nationalist feelings or so. Or maybe your nationalistic feelings are derived from a sense of national unity, a form of civil society that builds around you. But my personal reason has to be history. What I have learnt and heard about this kingdom takes me to review where it has brought us today. And maybe this sounds typical, but it still has to count! The hardship that our older generations suffered through in the pinnacle era of colonialism and their effort in preserving the land for us today. Things could have gone better in the past, yes, but you say Alhamdulillah to what has been granted to you. Also, the Japanese Occupation in WW2; I only read in books and heard through stories of those who lived that regime and I still cannot understand what they went through.

I do believe our country has a long way to go in terms of development and meh, let's not ruin this post with any pessimistic comment. So I shall just say Happy National Day to Brunei and I pray that Allah always protect our ruler and his people under His guidance. May we continue to preserve peace and prosperity. Amin.