I'm leaving on an airplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.

Today marks 10. More days to my departure. I can’t wait. But the realization is close to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My Dad has been reminding me… he knows that I’m really looking forward to it, and in his words, “so you’ll be far away from me, kan?”

…

What will you do when you fall sick and Bapa’s not there to check on you in your room and asks if you’re okay and gives you the meds?

…

I’ll miss you, Pa.

Today marks 6. More days to my departure. I still can’t wait. But the realization is closer to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My nini bini’s been asking me to sungkai at her place everyday now. Which I do, well almost everyday. I can’t even imagine how much I will miss her. I grew up in nini’s house and she’s just… everything. The glue that holds everyone together. The kindest heart I know.

Although I’m not exactly beaten over at the fact that I won’t be celebrating Raya in Brunei this year, I will miss how Nini makes nasi lemak for the first day of raya because I love it. She’s approaching 70 but she’s the busiest woman in the house, I love her strength. I can see that day to day she would go to the ends of the Earth for her husband, her children and her grandchildren, and it’s incredibly inspiring.

I can’t imagine a life without her.

“Berapa hari lagi ni, lai, nda ko tidur sini?”

..

2. two.

I miss the kids =’(

And I haven’t even left yet.

I’ve been watching them grow since day one and now to leave as they are growing up… is hard. To miss significant moments as they’re growing up … makes me feel so =/

=’[ I can’t think of how I won’t be able to see them as often as I do.

I’m going to miss the Saturdays. I’m going to miss the cinema trips then us alluring Pamit to belanja Swensons! Aww. I won’t be here to bring them watch High School Musical 3. In October. I won’t be here for Ily and Dina’s birthdays. They’re going to be… seven.

Sweetie, don’t fight so much when Kaka is no longer around.

And please look after each other.

I’ll be back with pretty dresses, I promise you girls. (And shirts for you boys!)

… and don’t grow up too much.

<333333>

Sigh.

Sigh.

SIGH.

I’m going to miss my family so much.

=’(

...

……

………………….

I don’t wanna leave Nini.

I don’t wanna leave the kids.

I knew I would be sad eventually about leaving but it’s nowhere near where I’m feeling.

…

So.

No more wait.

Okay. Here you go. The day you’ve been anticipating for. There. You. Have. It.

It’s finally your turn. Happy? Ofcourse I am.

I want this more than anything. Then?

Then…

Then… I leave.

One of those days

It has been sixteen years. Why hasn’t it got easier? It’s not supposed to, dear.

I’d like to think that you can hear me everyday. At least, when I come over, you can. I’m sorry, though, that I don’t come as much as I should. It’s not that I’ve been busy with life etc, I have no excuses. It’s selfish to say this, I guess, but I think the reason is that it’s hard for me. It’s hard for me that I can’t look at your face when I want to talk to you, and it’s only lucky if ever I get to feel you around me.

It kills me how I don’t remember being in your arms.

It pains me that I don’t remember you looking into my eyes and smiling down at me.

It hurts me why I don’t remember your voice speaking to me.

And I’m leaving. Just like Kaka and Abang did. I’d like to think that I have a piece of you wherever I go. Don’t I? I do.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I love you – something that I never got to say to you… and what I never got to hear from you.

If only for a day, an hour, a minute, a second… I could remember. But in life, you don’t always get what you want, right? When you lose someone so significant in your life, it gets going and you just sorta deal with the loss. Each day, I have realized that, dealing with the loss is something that doesn’t come with a full stop. Most days you find yourself moving on with life as it goes… but some days… you just break down and cry.

Al-Fatihah.