One of those days

It has been sixteen years. Why hasn’t it got easier? It’s not supposed to, dear.

I’d like to think that you can hear me everyday. At least, when I come over, you can. I’m sorry, though, that I don’t come as much as I should. It’s not that I’ve been busy with life etc, I have no excuses. It’s selfish to say this, I guess, but I think the reason is that it’s hard for me. It’s hard for me that I can’t look at your face when I want to talk to you, and it’s only lucky if ever I get to feel you around me.

It kills me how I don’t remember being in your arms.

It pains me that I don’t remember you looking into my eyes and smiling down at me.

It hurts me why I don’t remember your voice speaking to me.

And I’m leaving. Just like Kaka and Abang did. I’d like to think that I have a piece of you wherever I go. Don’t I? I do.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I love you – something that I never got to say to you… and what I never got to hear from you.

If only for a day, an hour, a minute, a second… I could remember. But in life, you don’t always get what you want, right? When you lose someone so significant in your life, it gets going and you just sorta deal with the loss. Each day, I have realized that, dealing with the loss is something that doesn’t come with a full stop. Most days you find yourself moving on with life as it goes… but some days… you just break down and cry.

Al-Fatihah.