"your mother, your mother and your mother"

assalamualaikum wrb

masyaAllah how long have i left this place in silence. at this point i feel as though as i am shouting in the woods, hearing my own echo. anyways today is a significant day. well it is a personally significant day as it marks my mother's birthday in which she would have been 51. and she left when she was 32... just almost two decades that would make. wow. just as how long i have been here too, about two decades and a few years.

if you have been following my posts over the years, you would have come to find that i have spoken about my late mother a few times. and i really don't have enough memories of her... yet i feel like i could write endlessly about her. losing somebody, losing my mom is tragic of course, but maybe in a non making sense way, i somehow feel that being where i am today, we never did truly lose her. i can't say it articulately but sometimes I feel as though as Allah has kept her within ourselves, and it feels like a million dollars. and even that is limiting its true value. and i'm realizing all of this as I am writing this. subhanAllah.

i feel it's important that i remember her birthday like this, it's important that i recognize that whatever happens, for as long as i live, there is a part of her that stays with me, and with my sister, my brother and especially my father. i think he's the one who has suffered the most pain of losing her, i can't even fathom it and he hides it so well. but occasionally... he lends himself to the emotion and i see it. and i feel it for a few seconds and i think that he's so strong. in which he could have only been provided for, by Allah alone... masyaAllah.

she was amazing. i know that much. and what i would give to kiss her hand and kiss her feet. and tell her that i love her for the sake of Allah. and i have nothing to reserve but constant doa for her. may Allah be kind to her, may Allah forgive all of her sins, may Allah be pleased with her and may Allah grant her eternal bliss, that is Jannah.

this emotional sharing of this incredibly personal intimate matter might not always be within my comfort zone but may this be a reminder for us all how we should appreciate more of our parents. they are our world, afer Allah and His Messenger SAW...

"And We have enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the (final) destination." (31:14)

i don't need to know anything else, for her sacrifice to bring me into this world with His mercy first and foremost, i owe her eternally for which i will never be able to fulfil in repayment but Allah can, may Allah reward her with the best of rewards and His pleasure. Allahumma ameen. Al-Fatihah.