don't stop after why for we should not rest after we know the how.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,

i read this entry on igotitcovered.org that was posted by a dear sister on Facebook (may Allah reward her for her good heart to share) and out of all hijabi stories I have read, this one really inspired me and made me feel really small. Alhamdulillah. may Allah reward the sister who wrote the article plenty, insyaAllah ameen. it was heartfelt and sincere how she spoke about what hijab represented to her and it made me think about what hijab means to me. I don't know, I can't say I have never thought about it, but what I mean is that I didn't really think about it in such a depth that come to think of it... might just be necessary.

hijab was only something that was quite recently attached to me, meaning for most of my life it was not something I paid much attention to, regretfully so. but alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, Allah has shed me some light and allowed for me to realize the reality of it.on some occasions, I might have carried some guilt over not wearing it but most probably due to some sort ofpressure in context or generally the question of why don't I have it on when every other girl has it on. I developed some rationale over the years to somewhat validate my choice of not wearing hijab; amongst of which are "I don't wanna wear it just because I have to", "I'm not really ready yet", etc. Astaghfirullahalazim. How merciful is He to have granted me with chances after chances to improve myself? subhanAllah.

I basically just did not understand it - the severe need to comply to Allah's words in terms of hijab just did not register to me at that time. Astaghfirullahalazim. I never really read the tafseer of the Quran so I obviously did not think about 24:31. I knew that it was wajib to wear hijab but I did not understand that it was wajib. Knowing is different than knowing and understanding, wouldn't you agree? And I have previously heard of horror stories about the wrath of Allah towards women who do not obey the hijab and it made me shudder and scared... but maybe only for a few minutes. I vaguely remember now when I was first introduced to this ayat and it made me ponder, it made me feel uneasy to hear those words ONLY because the guilt was more imminent after reading 24:31 - previously it had been people telling me about tudung and also because I grew up in Brunei so it was something I sorta knew as part of the package in Islam for women. But hearing 24:31 was different, as if hearing them from Allah as those are from Him, those are not the words people tell me, those are the words my Creator chose to speak to me as a woman and dare I neglect them? Although I didn't wear hijab right away, but that ayat, subhanAllah, jazakallah to a fellow slave of Allah who shared with me it, was not only eye-opening, I think it was heart-poking, in the sense where it made me think and it made me remember He who I have forgotten since a long time. subhanAllah.

Cut story short, when I started praying 5 times a day, I used to not really think about what Allah thought about me for a slave who prostates to Him five times a day yet does not cover herself because I was still in denial. But one day, I started to wear it, I'm not sure, I can't recall what was my niat back then, only Allah knows and may He forgive me if it was not for Him solely. and Alhamdulillah, He has given me chances after chances to enable me to arrive at today. I have to admit that my perception about hijab is nowhere near perfect and very flawed even as I am discovering the beauty of it gradually, insyaAllah. But for what I already know and feel, I will share...

I come from Allah, first and foremost and which makes me His slave and Him, my Master. So for every word He orders upon me, I cannot question, I can only run to obey until He is pleased with me. I come from Allah, first and foremost and which makes everything that defines me physically, mentally and spiritually also from Him will so dare I not take care of my physical, mental and spirit in the ways He told me to? I come from Allah, first and foremost, and which makes my body simply a loan from Him, so dare I say that I have liberty to do anything I want with it regardless of His orders for me to specifically take care of it? I come from Allah, first and foremost, and which makes everything that I have come from Him so how can I not feel syukur and pay my gratitude in ways that I am capable of? subhanAllah, only Allah knows how much I lack in these areas, and I speak here to remind myself before anybody else, as the weakest slave of Allah :'( and Allah knows that even today, I have not fulfilled 24:31 completely, it only means I have to try better. But Alhamdulillah for what He has willed me today, subhanAllah, for nothing would have been possible for me without Him.

And I am gradually learning that hijab is not just about covering my hair or other parts of my body. It's everything necessary to protectourselves from the dangerous gaze of the world upon us, to guard what Allah has kindly lent us, to sabotage the misleading perception about women and inferiority. Hijab is not oppression, hijab is our act of free will to obey our Lord, and we shall not be seen weak with it because hijab is strength. The sister on the blog spoke about this and I was enthralled by her expression of it, subhanAllah. I want to discover what she expressed as strength not through words but in a way that words cannot suffice. It is strength that it symbolizes and it is ad-deen hijab significantly represents. it is not fashion, it is not style, it is not simply outer beauty, it is not a trend, it is not to be made cheaply, it is modesty, security and our commitment to Allah, more than anything.

Personally, I think with this hijab, I feel like a different person, hopefully not primarily because of the physical differences but more importantly, how my heart has been affected by it. Allah knows, how much more I need to do so I can only pray to ask for His constant guidance because I would know no other way to walk towards the righteous path, insyaAllah. And like a friend has recently brought up in her status update, Hanisah AB baby ;), with the hijab comes a great responsibility... it has to reflect our deen and so we have to make it an excellent deen in order to show those who have not seen. it is shameful to think of, even until now, how I have not lived up sufficiently to the image... my actions and behavior sometimes or maybe most times, do not match the dignity and modesty that are attached to hijab. so these are the rooms of improvement that I shall explore and this facilitates the essence of why every one of us should ask ourselves what it means to cover ourselves for the sake of Allah. it is great if we have already established that we are wearing hijab for Allah and in pursuit of His pleasure and forgiveness. But that is only a portion of the reality which is why? Now, maybe it's the time to explore the how. And to be honest, this process will never end until we leave this dunia, but we have to only keep trying to the best of our capabilities, insyaAllah. Wallahua'lam. And forget we not, Ramadhan in the best platform to improve ourselves :)) and it is here now, what are we waiting for?

Please forgive me for anything that I might have caused you to be offended for any criticism that has surfaced is directed to me alone for the sake of attaining humility, that I constantly lack and know that all mistakes are derived from my own inadequancies whilst all the good that you might be able to take here is undoubtedly nothing of mine to claim but Allah. more importantly, may Allah protect me from wrong intentions of this post. Ramadhan Kareem :)

"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss." (24:31)