what is this beautiful feeling

Assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah! all praises and thanks belong to Allah, the Most Glorified, the Most Beautiful of names, the Most Merciful. all beauty, all power, all strength are all due to You.

sigh sigh sigh. happy sigh happy sigh happy sigh! i never thought i could feel like this. but i do. and i never expected to experience this feeling. but i am. You are ever so Kind, and I want to remember what You have done for me for the rest of my life and the next, and never cease to be in utter gratitude. 

I don't know what I would do without You. i don't know what my life meant those years I didn't turn to You. and i ask of You please don't return me to that state of ignorance, because I couldn't bear another moment without this love. 

many many many years it had been a one way street... and a conversation as if only with a wall... and many many many mistakes that i cannot begin to count... but You with Your mercy didn't give up on me... and again please make me forever in utter gratitude for this... and teach me to never lose hope on You as well. 

Your love has led me to many more. although none compared to what You and i have. and i  ask that You don't let anything ever exceed the love that I have for You. nevertheless they are amazing, please guide us continuously based on our love for You, make things easy for them, and please strengthen them all in whatever they are going through, only You know and You know best and I ask that they bring me much much much closer to You. because at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. 

and you know what... sometimes words are not enough to describe what is in our hearts... there is no eloquence humanly possible to depict what the heart feels....

but of course... there is the Quran... where words actually cure and heal... where speech is the Most Powerful, Most Wise, Most Meaningful, Most Beautiful... 

"Dan berpegang teguhlah kamu semuanya pada tali (agama) Allah, dan janganlah kamu bercerai berai, dan ingatlah nikmat Allah kepadamu ketika kamu dahulu (masa jahiliah) bermusuhan, lalu Allah mempersatukan hatimu, sehingga dengan karuniaNya kamu menjadi bersaudara, sedangkan (ketika itu) kamu berada di tepi jurang neraka, lalu Allah menyelamatkan kamu dari sana. Demikianlah, Allah menerangkan ayat-ayat Nya kepadamu agar kamu mendapat petunjuk."

(Ali Imran:103)

perfect perfect perfect. utter absolute perfection. Allahuakhbar. You are so great, and i ask that my heart is as strong as my speech in praising You. let my words be sincere that my heart feels it too. because i want to love you for the rest of my life and beyond. and i ask that You continue to grant me continuous guidance to cherish our relationship until that moment we finally meet and i ask You that it will be the best moment in my entire existence since the very start. :')

please forgive me for all the errors I have made. and may You be pleased with our families, and grant us Jannah ameen :D

wassalam. 

don't limit this vast horizon

assalamualaikum wrb dearest beloved to Allah,


bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.. all praises and thanks belong to Allah Azza Wajal, Lord of all the worlds. we ask Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving, to forgive all our sins, guide our hearts to true repentance and replace our sins with good deeds ameen. salutations upon Rasulullah SAW, our qudwah hasanah, the best example provided to mankind in every sense of the word. 

as aforementioned, currently undertaking Masters and yet again, away from home. sometimes three years down the road just don't make it any easier. but i have conflicting feelings about this. i want to be home yet i don't want to leave this place. why? although i have some good amount of time before I finish the course, I can't help but feel that it's happening pretty quickly and if life proceeds, insyaAllah, I will soon leave the UK for a very long time, if not for good. most probably for good. but then we never really know. but for now, it's looking to be that way. 

i miss home very much... i want to be home. and the feeling somewhat becomes stronger as we become bombarded with assignments after assignments... perhaps the exhaustion is inevitable. and sometimes maybe we experience some sort of a diminishing returns situation. 

but hold on. our purpose being overseas is much more than earning an education certificate or qualification. don't limit the horizon. these years are our defining moments. our days away from home are us discovering ourselves, and finding our strengths and weaknesses, and being confused about life and at the same time, finding the answers to solve the puzzle about life and where we fit in life itself. these are the years that not everyone gets to live by, and if we don't realize what we're supposed to do with these years and how to come out of them, then I guess... what's the difference if we just stayed at home?

this is the time we should embrace. this is our youth. we don't have forever in this world. spend it right. being in a foreign land offers such vast opportunities for us to open our eyes, our hearts to something that we have been oblivious back at home with our golden plates (figure of speech really) and whatnot. the point of being here is not to come back with a piece of paper that you can bring to a company in exchange for money. 

if we are here struggling for a cause, maybe we are on the right track. it depends on what cause we are on about. I for one, support for the one cause, that frees one from the torment of the world. for one cause, that will give your life a meaning that you will never find elsewhere. get connected to this cause. if you already are.. strengthen yourself in this cause. what cause may this be? you may just have to find it in your own manual.

i don't necessarily understand your struggles. but you know Who does. so get connected. these are the years, at least for me... that I have found Him and I ask Him to make me forever grateful and to keep me firm and steadfast in righteousness in His path and make us all live by the Quran and sunnah more and more each day until He is pleased with us all.

all that is good is completely from Allah, the Most Perfect. all that is not, is derived from my own ego and inadequacies. may Allah purify our intentions in everything that we do. may Allah increase our fervor to seek His knowledge to please Him and benefit the ummah. may Allah grant us sincerity in our speech and action. ameen.

i ask of your forgiveness for any offence I may have incurred and i seek forgiveness from Allah, for all the errors I have made. and all praises and thanks belong to Allah SWT, the Most Glorified, Most High.

wassalam

happy one year less

Assalamualaikum wrb 

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.. all praises and thanks belong to Allah, Most Merciful, Most Forgiving. we ask of Allah to forgive all of our sins and guide our hearts to true repentance and replace our sins with good deeds, ameen. complete greetings and salutations upon Prophet Muhammad SAW.

today i'm starting the age of 22. it feels surreal to have settled at early adulthood already masyaAllah! sometimes i still feel younger. but anyway increasing in age should remind us that we are one year less in this world and closer approaching the end. it may be a bit dark and gloomy and birthdays are supposed to be a joyous occasion, but I guess we shouldn't overdo it much.

they may say it's your day, they may say whatever you wanna do, it's your special day. 

but if anything.. we should humble ourselves more. bow down to our Creator, Allah Azza Wajal, more. it is a day that we expect to be given, to receive.. but really, it is our day to give. to give not to just anyone... to give to Allah.. even though He doesn't need anything from us and regardless we give Him or not, it would not diminish Him. But what giving Him represents is our love for Him, our sacrifice against our desires for Him, our putting Him before anything else. our strive to put Allah as our number one. and on the day we increase in age, our submission to Him should only increase and fall more in love with Him, and instead of the day being about us.. it shall be about us being a better slave to the Lord of all the worlds, Allah Azza Wajal, than yesterday. 

i am a weak slave, and i have nothing to show for, so please don't judge me. and don't think of me as high either. my character and status is for Him to judge and in this case, i can only strive to be a better slave, so maybe today is a start. insyaAllah. and may you and I be on the path of istiqomah. ameen.

may Allah equip us the best of things in this dunia for the best of things in the Akhirat, may Allah help us to earn His love and pleasure, may Allah resurrect us with Prophet Muhammad SAW and the righteous ones in the Hereafter, may Allah be pleased with us all and our parents and families, and may Allah keep us firm, sincere and steadfast in His path and may Allah choose us to live and die carrying the legacy of Rasulullah SAW. 

i ask of your forgiveness and may we be more forgiving to each other for His sake. and all that is good is completely from Allah Azza Wajal, the Most Knowing, the Most Merciful. and all that is flawed is derived from my own inadequacies and ego.  

p.s: thank you so much for all the well wishes, for the remembrance and the doas. may Allah bless us all dunia Akhirat and may Allah guide us continuously to righteousness and His pleasure and may Allah accept all our good deeds and may Allah include us amongst those who He is pleased with and grant us Jannah ameen. 

wassalam

the struggle

Assalamualaikum wrb

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

all praises and thanks belong to Allah, most Merciful, most Forgiving. may Allah forgive all of our sins, and guide our hearts to true repentance. and complete greetings upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't done that

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't said that

there are a lot of times that i wish i hadn't thought that

maybe i feel sorry today. and then somehow forget about it. and lose the temptation and feel sorry again. and always, one thing that comes to mind is character.

that's what it boils down to, isn't it? good character that is built upon the need and want to please Allah and the fear to displease Him. and i know it doesn't take one day, one week, one month... one year maybe who knows... i guess i'll just keep going... even if i'm failing... it's better to die struggling for His sake, rather than live without struggle for no sake.

whoever you may be, i ask for your forgiveness, for whatever i may have done or said or thought that was negative towards you, whether consciously or otherwise.

may Allah give us all the strength to fight our nafs, and may Allah protect us all from all evils of iblis and syaitan and may Allah forgive all of our sins and make our hearts pure from evil until we meet Him in a state where He is pleased with us and we are also pleased with Him ameen.

:')

back again.

assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

i was going to type my rant on twitter but the 140 characters limit put me off and i was like "oh ya i have another outlet for that!" why is it that, everytime i feel like on rant mode, my sarcasm antenna starts to become activated =.= i'll try to... not to.

anyways, alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, i've graduated, did i not mention that, yeah my posts have been reduced to only a few times a year. so epic. that word is coming back into my dictionary, not really, that'd be the first time it has crept up again. i actually wanted to write a graduation post, i always thought it'd be perfect to frame into words but it didn't really happen. nonetheless, i am in utter gratitude that i managed to pass the stage because it wasn't very easy and all the strength that I came through it all with was all due to Allah alone.

so now i am about to pursue masters. again.. masyaAllah.. i didn't really want to in the beginning but I thought if I'd get it, then I'd take it as a sign from Allah that i'd be able to do it, insyaAllah. but the feeling is a bit surreal to start classes again. having to adjust with being feeling foreign. and all of it. although i know that there is no time for this anxiety, what there is time for is excitement and immense gratitude that Allah is actually taking me to a place that is incredibly generous, alhamdulillah.

but i must say. it doesn't get that much easier to leave my family. it doesn't get that much easier to say goodbye, even if it'll be only for a while. but i do want to go. i think this one year abroad again is a stage for me to develop and grow some more, and Allah knows how incompetent I am.

i guess i know the road ahead isn't going to be a smooth one, maybe i'm afraid of that, i'm only human. but as a slave of Allah, i am entitled to challenges and struggle. and all i can say as of right now is come what may, my Lord, o Allah, Most Knowing, stay with me, strengthen me and protect me, and may You guide us all to Jannah, ameen ya Rabb.

and let this journey commence again... for the sake of Allah, here we come.

may Allah forgive us all. greetings upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

- the tone of this rant has tremendously turned around a lot, masyaAllah... suddenly transformed into a tazkirah for me heh -

it takes character to...

Assalamualaikum wrb,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. all praises and thanks belong to Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate, the Most Forgiving. We ask Allah, Al-Ghafur, to forgive all of our sins, to delete them all and replace them with good deeds. complete greetings and salutations upon our Prophet Muhammad SAW, a great leader who proves to be timeless in his teachings which we profess to be his loyal followers.

i would like to share something that i have recently learnt a lesson from; albeit slightly painful nonetheless a great reminder. It is of the importance of good character. I feel like I haven't spent a lot of time developing my character consciously; as in I never gave it that much thought, character was something I left to be a natural process of my surroundings. but no. we are in control of how our character develops, in many ways.

character is actually a product of faith. iman is something on the inside, something that cannot be detected by the naked eye and very delicate we don't really know whether it's there or not in most cases. therefore it needs something of a proof, something of an evidence. and that is character that is derived from the state of one's iman. i never really thought about it, i almost thought these two things were separate, but now it makes the most sense. character is how we carry ourselves hence how other people tend to see us, and if it is good that we carry then most likely it will be highly infectious. good character allows us to treat people as how we would like ourselves to be treated. it protects us from selfishness and provides us with love for Allah and His creations. it improves our relationship with our families and friends; it softens hearts and enables us to avoid hate and conflict.

but if otherwise, it will leave a very bad stench not just on ourselves but on other people as well.

i guess what i'm trying to say is we need to start giving a lot of weight to this because we look at our society and what is wrong with it? why have we succumbed to our Muslim youth living just like the non Muslim youth? why are we not sensitive to our lack of understanding of our deen? why are we selling our souls for pleasure that lasts 5 minutes? where is our character, the God fearing character that shields us from these illnesses? it is time that we look at the mirror not for the sake of making sure we look great, but to look at who's really looking back at us and what do we really see underneath the facade of whatever it is that we hide in.

we wreck our brains analysing the causes of world wars, financial crisis, why there are newborn babies in the dustbins and so many other catastrophes. well sure, there is a long list of factors but come to think of it... if there was good character, people would not have allowed to satisfy their desires in the expense of others.

i am in not any place to determine good character for anyone, this piece of reminder is not supposed to target anyone but myself. when we think about improving character, stop ourselves from thinking about others, think about our own. think deeply about this and the impact of character can actually change a lot of things. Rasulullah SAW, was a man of the best character possible for a human being, and by the mercy of Allah first and foremost, this man is responsible for every good that we follow, in which he was a teacher to all mankind. the sahabah such as Umar al Khattab... subhanAllah... a character like his if possessed by some of today's world's leaders, today's problems would probably never have existed. Umar was an extra ordinary man: he was known as a very strict leader, because he didn't fear anyone but at the same time, he was gentle... because he feared Allah :') outstanding character, masyaAllah.

this is what we should strive for, my beloved sisters and respected brothers. let's build good character upon good character until we become such a formidable force. there is no greater recipe to fight against all evils and the likes, than the God-fearing character. and God fearing really means someone who fears to displease Allah. subhanAllah, may Allah protect me from ill intentions and may Allah forgive all of our sins and may Allah purify our hearts and strengthen our character for His sake, and His sake only, Allahumma ameen.

sometimes the reality is not as complicated as we make it to be. when we work to build a solid foundation, everything else will stand strong come what may, it will not waver. life is a promise of difficulty and struggle, we cannot escape any of it, but what we can do is to ask Allah for strength to stand above it all until we successfully meet Him in a state where He is pleased with us and we are also pleased Him, insyaAllah. and good character is not defined by words no matter how beautiful: good character is not someone who talks about goodness, it is someone who does goodness.

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds.

{Book 032, Chapter 8, Number 6221 : Sahih Muslim}

Sahih Bukhari volume 4, book 56, number 759:

narrated 'abdullah ibn 'amr:

The Prophet never used bad language neither a "Fahish nor a Mutafahish. He used to say "The best amongst you are those who have the best manners and character."

Malik Muwatta Book 47, Number 47.1.8:

Yahya related to me from Malik that he had heard that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "I was sent to perfect good character."

all that is good is completely due to Allah's beauty and anything that is flawed is derived from my ego and inadequacies. greetings upon our beloved Rasulullah SAW.

wassalam.

Ramadan reflections

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh sisters and brothers dearest to Allah,

all praises and thanks belong to Allah, Most Merciful, Most Forgiving.. may Allah forgive all of our sins and help us to maximise our remaining Ramadan ameen ya rabb. complete salutations upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW.

i know it's been a long time since... i have attempted to write quite a number of times but they just didn't seem to work out. so anyway yesterday i experienced my first iftar out this year's Ramadan... and the moment I came there, the place was so buzzed and packed with people and food in hands. and then as I took a seat and got a view of the whole place in front of me, I was struck by this reality. I thought to myself.. "is this the reality of our people?" when in other parts of the world, so many children are dying of starvation, so many people are celebrating freedom out of oppression, so many people are still suffering in oppression and we were spending some of the last 30 minutes of our fast of the day filling plates after plates even though our stomach can barely cope with them.

i was just telling my friends the other day that food is treated like a natural resource. and to the extent that we have food like it's an infinite resource too. we just don't know how we can ever run out, there's just always food. and there's just always more.. food. now, we must appreciate that this is all from Allah... and we must give all praises and thanks to Allah for providing us with so much food and may this blessing make us closer to Him and not otherwise. but in this holy month of Ramadan, the point of it is not to embrace more food, we did that so much already for the other 11 months... are we not willing to take this break to discover that we have so much more to explore within ourselves outside our nafs... when will we spend the last 30 minutes of our fast of the day just being intimate with Allah, and praying that it wouldn't be our last fast... praying that we will wake up to another Ramadan... praying profusely that He forgives all of our sins... when will we break away from our luxury and go back to our reality?

we are still in Ramadan... i know and i believe there is something in all of our hearts that are dying to be fed. i believe in all of us so much that we are able to reconnect with Allah in ways that we didn't know we were capable of... i believe in all of us so much that we can change for the better. i believe wayyy more.. much that Allah will make ease for those who want to seek His pleasure sincerely...

And those who strive in Our (cause),- We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right. (29:69)

none of this was intended to offend anybody, it is just a piece of reminder if we may benefit from it... and it is for me, first and foremost, who is constantly struggling to battle against the nafs. may Allah forgive all of our sins. may Allah help us to maximise our remaining Ramadan and seek to be closer to Him ameen ya Rabb. please forgive any of my shortcomings reflected in this piece of reminder. and greetings upon Rasulullah SAW.

salaam.

"your mother, your mother and your mother"

assalamualaikum wrb

masyaAllah how long have i left this place in silence. at this point i feel as though as i am shouting in the woods, hearing my own echo. anyways today is a significant day. well it is a personally significant day as it marks my mother's birthday in which she would have been 51. and she left when she was 32... just almost two decades that would make. wow. just as how long i have been here too, about two decades and a few years.

if you have been following my posts over the years, you would have come to find that i have spoken about my late mother a few times. and i really don't have enough memories of her... yet i feel like i could write endlessly about her. losing somebody, losing my mom is tragic of course, but maybe in a non making sense way, i somehow feel that being where i am today, we never did truly lose her. i can't say it articulately but sometimes I feel as though as Allah has kept her within ourselves, and it feels like a million dollars. and even that is limiting its true value. and i'm realizing all of this as I am writing this. subhanAllah.

i feel it's important that i remember her birthday like this, it's important that i recognize that whatever happens, for as long as i live, there is a part of her that stays with me, and with my sister, my brother and especially my father. i think he's the one who has suffered the most pain of losing her, i can't even fathom it and he hides it so well. but occasionally... he lends himself to the emotion and i see it. and i feel it for a few seconds and i think that he's so strong. in which he could have only been provided for, by Allah alone... masyaAllah.

she was amazing. i know that much. and what i would give to kiss her hand and kiss her feet. and tell her that i love her for the sake of Allah. and i have nothing to reserve but constant doa for her. may Allah be kind to her, may Allah forgive all of her sins, may Allah be pleased with her and may Allah grant her eternal bliss, that is Jannah.

this emotional sharing of this incredibly personal intimate matter might not always be within my comfort zone but may this be a reminder for us all how we should appreciate more of our parents. they are our world, afer Allah and His Messenger SAW...

"And We have enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the (final) destination." (31:14)

i don't need to know anything else, for her sacrifice to bring me into this world with His mercy first and foremost, i owe her eternally for which i will never be able to fulfil in repayment but Allah can, may Allah reward her with the best of rewards and His pleasure. Allahumma ameen. Al-Fatihah.

the consequences of wanting

Assalamualaikum wrb brothers and sisters of whom Allah loves,

bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

want is so easy. because of that, our wants are limitless. and sometimes we fail to appreciate the difference between what we want and what we need, but save that for another post insyaAllah, or even better somebody else who has better insight to share. anyway so, most times, we often think that the thing that constrains us from translating what we want to we can have is the monetary aspect. or non-monetary factors, anything such as that you have no means to get it basically.

but like stated earlier, wanting is so easy. I can want anything I want... but it just means the desire. what is actually difficult is the if I may say, the consequences of wanting. have you ever thought that the reason why you don't have a lot of the things you want is because you're just not ready for theconsequences of wanting? for instance, if I want to be the richest and most powerful person in the world... easy... but do I really have what it takes to become one? To become the richest and most powerful person in the world would not be as easy as one would think... think of Nabi Sulaiman... he had the whole world in his command, by the will and mercy of Allah SWT... He was a very noble man with a very thick iman and taqwa to have not be affected by the wealth and power Allah has given him. and on the other side of the coin, think of Firaun. He had so much in his disposal, yet he was consumed by arrogance and ego he actually convinced himself that he was perfect. So now think again, if we want to be the rich and powerful... which road will we take, Allah knows, we can't even say... and to be honest, the thought is incredibly terrifying.

So I mean, that was probably an extreme example of wanting to be rich and powerful and all, and a lot of our wants might be more middle range than that... who knows, Allah does.. but that's the point you know. We all want all these things, but do we really have what it takes to have them? So at the end of the day, don't be too absorbed with things that you want and take the time to appreciate at what you already have... because at what we already have are responsibilities for us to maintain... and Allah knows until where our capabilities stretch.

Although I'm not saying, stop wanting anything... that'd be silly. But rather you know when we start wanting to have something, let us also ask Allah if we are capable of owning it once He does give it to us. Because really, everything leads to either one or the other; His pleasure or His displeasure.. and I can really speak for everyone when I say that we obviously crave and strive for the former, insyaAllah... so yeah... before becoming hasty about wanting all different things in this life... small or big... a change in the world or whatever it may be... just ask ourselves... are we ready? and really, ultimately, the only thing that constrains us from having what we want... is whether Allah wants to give it to us or not. Forget everything else, He is the source. so really, whatever it is we want in life for now or after, just ask Him straight, ask Him first and He'll either say "yes" or "I got something way better for you" :') Wallahua'lam, Allah knows best. His wisdom is unquestionable and we surrender to His decree, because He is our Creator, and He knows best!

and insyaAllah, I will conclude with sharing Allah's words, the best and the most beautiful speech there is, that is indisputable and completely perfect:

Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people (2:286)

He will not give us anything that we can't handle :') Think about this for a second... not just in the form of hardship and struggle, but even for the 'good' things... you know? there are so many dimensions one can relate to with this ayat depending on our personal experiences and understanding and such, but let me just take one of mine; like for another instance, an example of a collective want (as opposed to the earlier instance of individual want for wealth and power) if we really want to change the state of the ummah, to help this sinking ship, we gotta be ready, we gotta be prepared... until Allah knows that we can handle it. there are so many lessons that can be extracted in this one ayat... and we'd be foolish to turn a blind heart against the most beautiful speech, given to especially us.

all that is good has come from the beauty and mercy of Allah Azza Wajalla, and all that is incomplete, imperfect, flawed and misleading is from my limited knowledge and incapacity, please forgive me for what might have caused offence to you. may Allah protect me from wrong and misguided intentions of this post. may Allah guide us with His light and place the most sincere love for and fear of Him in our hearts, may we be the people who execute the deen of Islam in action and not just through mere words, insyaAllah ameen.

Salam.