It's not too soon after all!

I got off the high horse :)

And now.. I'm taking the plane back.

Wheeeeeeeeeee. I can't wait. I really, really, really can't.

=')

One semester is done and over with. Nothing much accomplished, I have to say. Unproudly. But let's just make sure to start the next round with a better attitude. But for now? I just. Want to. Embrace home.

Nostalgia.

I didn't have a perfect childhood. Probably far from it... but it was a great one, nevertheless. A really great one. =')

I was from my cousin's blog and she brought me into this nostalgic moment that led me to write this. But I guess this is also brought about by me having to say goodbye to my family in London.. my sister went back home for good last Saturday and next Monday, my uncle and his family are going back for good as well.

Which really sucks ='( I mean.. it's great for them.. they deserve to be back home with their families where they belong.. but.. I guess it's selfish really.. but you know.. we've had great times here.. if it weren't for London, I wouldn't have been close to his kids. And I just love(d)their home.

Anyway. I grew up in my grandparents' house for almost all my life.. after Babu passed away, we were there obviously.. and I don't know, sometimes I forget this.. but I don't think I could ever go through what I did as a child if it weren't for the love and care my grandparents, my uncles and my aunts provided me.. my sister and my brother.. My dad.. as a single parent until my mom came along.. I really don't have a Brady Bunch package or even something close to it.. but the family Allah bestowed me with.. is pretty amazing.

It wouldn't be real to wish for a machine where I could turn back time and be a kid again, even just for a day. But I want to. I want to go back to the simple days and embrace it again. Maybe even in a way that I never got to. Those days rocked when everyone was still living in Surapit =') The memories of my siblings and my cousin growing up together are simply the ones that I just.. heart. We didn't have as many toys as the little cousins do today but we totally had each other to play with all the time. We showered, ate, slept, played together... =') The days... when we ate nasi lemak Kaka Wani bought from sekolah ugama Serusop so the four of us would eat it together on the 'meja bulat' and me and kaka Amal fighting over the heart shaped nugget during lunch after school...... procrastinating ugama school by watching Akazukin Cha Cha on Cartoon Network and then dreading 9pm because that was when the channel became TNT!

But you know, even though we don't live at my grandparents' anymore.. we still practically do, with the amount of hours we tend to spend there! If we don't go there even for a day, my grandma would be all like "duiiii laaaai mana tia kau ani." Hehe. Miss her <3>

I miss everything about the old days. It's not just me writing this post, you know cause I'm starting to appreciate family values more now that I am geographically disunited from mine... but I genuinely do. You don't want to be living in the past, that's true, no matter how happy and great it was. But it doesn't hurt to reminisce. And you know I'm happy to be here, I wanted to be here, no question. But it's not wrong to want to be home at the same time, is it? =)

Alhamdulillah :)

I'm leaving on an airplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.

Today marks 10. More days to my departure. I can’t wait. But the realization is close to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My Dad has been reminding me… he knows that I’m really looking forward to it, and in his words, “so you’ll be far away from me, kan?”

…

What will you do when you fall sick and Bapa’s not there to check on you in your room and asks if you’re okay and gives you the meds?

…

I’ll miss you, Pa.

Today marks 6. More days to my departure. I still can’t wait. But the realization is closer to hitting home as I spend one minute and the next with my family. My nini bini’s been asking me to sungkai at her place everyday now. Which I do, well almost everyday. I can’t even imagine how much I will miss her. I grew up in nini’s house and she’s just… everything. The glue that holds everyone together. The kindest heart I know.

Although I’m not exactly beaten over at the fact that I won’t be celebrating Raya in Brunei this year, I will miss how Nini makes nasi lemak for the first day of raya because I love it. She’s approaching 70 but she’s the busiest woman in the house, I love her strength. I can see that day to day she would go to the ends of the Earth for her husband, her children and her grandchildren, and it’s incredibly inspiring.

I can’t imagine a life without her.

“Berapa hari lagi ni, lai, nda ko tidur sini?”

..

2. two.

I miss the kids =’(

And I haven’t even left yet.

I’ve been watching them grow since day one and now to leave as they are growing up… is hard. To miss significant moments as they’re growing up … makes me feel so =/

=’[ I can’t think of how I won’t be able to see them as often as I do.

I’m going to miss the Saturdays. I’m going to miss the cinema trips then us alluring Pamit to belanja Swensons! Aww. I won’t be here to bring them watch High School Musical 3. In October. I won’t be here for Ily and Dina’s birthdays. They’re going to be… seven.

Sweetie, don’t fight so much when Kaka is no longer around.

And please look after each other.

I’ll be back with pretty dresses, I promise you girls. (And shirts for you boys!)

… and don’t grow up too much.

<333333>

Sigh.

Sigh.

SIGH.

I’m going to miss my family so much.

=’(

...

……

………………….

I don’t wanna leave Nini.

I don’t wanna leave the kids.

I knew I would be sad eventually about leaving but it’s nowhere near where I’m feeling.

…

So.

No more wait.

Okay. Here you go. The day you’ve been anticipating for. There. You. Have. It.

It’s finally your turn. Happy? Ofcourse I am.

I want this more than anything. Then?

Then…

Then… I leave.

One of those days

It has been sixteen years. Why hasn’t it got easier? It’s not supposed to, dear.

I’d like to think that you can hear me everyday. At least, when I come over, you can. I’m sorry, though, that I don’t come as much as I should. It’s not that I’ve been busy with life etc, I have no excuses. It’s selfish to say this, I guess, but I think the reason is that it’s hard for me. It’s hard for me that I can’t look at your face when I want to talk to you, and it’s only lucky if ever I get to feel you around me.

It kills me how I don’t remember being in your arms.

It pains me that I don’t remember you looking into my eyes and smiling down at me.

It hurts me why I don’t remember your voice speaking to me.

And I’m leaving. Just like Kaka and Abang did. I’d like to think that I have a piece of you wherever I go. Don’t I? I do.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I love you – something that I never got to say to you… and what I never got to hear from you.

If only for a day, an hour, a minute, a second… I could remember. But in life, you don’t always get what you want, right? When you lose someone so significant in your life, it gets going and you just sorta deal with the loss. Each day, I have realized that, dealing with the loss is something that doesn’t come with a full stop. Most days you find yourself moving on with life as it goes… but some days… you just break down and cry.

Al-Fatihah.